Monday, December 12

Week 14: Playoffs Briefing/Tebow Commentary

Please excuse the delay in posting this weeks' wrap-up. I'm still in the depths of a post-season ether binge and DADDY STILL NEEDS HIS MEDICINE. Anyway, on Sunday Jen passed on Joe Flacco for the emotional choice: Tim Tebow. Meanwhile, her romance with Mark Sanchez is over. They had a messy breakup: he later threw four touchdowns. Bummer.
After she confidently set her team, we nearly finished our masterpiece: a Twilight: Breaking Dawn diorama of Edward and Bella's consumation of marriage. IT. IS. HOT. Then, we set out to watch her stud, Maurice Jones-Drew scamper for 36 points against a ghastly pitiful Tampa Bay defense. The mighty MJD had two touches rushing and two more recieving, in part because Mercedes Lewis is a gash, but mostly because he's the Mighty MJD. Jennifer was in awe of his field presence:

JEN: [adorable squeeky voice] He's so little!

ME: Look at his legs, though.

JEN: [spits out Dr. Pepper] Whoa!

Meanwhile, our old nemesis Ted Ginn, Jr dropped 20 points on Tara's bench, as did my good buddy Shonn Greene. In fact, Tara's bench put up over 100 points. She was done early in her matchup vs. Jen's Woopie Cakes, and Jen took the lead during the late game before boyish fop Eli Manning drove his shitty squad down the field to score on the even shittier Cowboys. That score put up 37 points on Jen's banged up Dallas Defense, subtracting 2 points from Jen and winning the game for Tara by under 2 points. Trey tells us that Tara was yelling at the television, coaching Eli to checkdown the third reciever. That's precisely why we play this game: the interest we invest in every game that our players participate in is real and ferocious. This barely applies to me, dropping my final four games and finishing finishing last. I'm horrible at fantasy football.

Trey beat Glenn. [dismissive wanking motion] Jen is now matched with the Homestead Hellions for the fifth place game, in which there is probably no monetary reward.

HALFTIME! I present for your enjoyment ... fantasy curling. YOU'RE WELCOME, READERS.

The first three quarters of the Denver/Chicago game were hard to watch. Tebow lost 2 fumbles, and his recievers couldn't catch dick through 3 quarters of painfully dull football. If you heard that Tebow's passing game wasn't on target and he looked like shit, YOU ARE WRONG. He did fine, but his recievers sucked donkey scrotum.

Marion Barber is the goat of the day AND RIGHTFULLY SO. He got a touchdown called back for me a couple of weeks ago and I sent him out some bad mojo for the duration of the game. He ran like a beast the entire game against Denver's stingy defense. Then in the fourth quarter WHEN GAMES ARE WON/LOST, he idiocically trots out of bounds to stop the clock, and promptly FUMBLES ON THE NEXT PLAY, allowing TebowTime to miracle together a comeback. The haters at KSK called Barber Tebow's enabler. They go on to bark that all of Tim's wins come by a field goal.

EXCUSE ME, DUMB SHITS. When did a win (or seven of them) by three points not become a win? Seems like some asshole is still stuck in his college days playing drunk Jenga with his 'bros. In college, your rankings suffer if you don't run up the score (see Spurrier, Steve). In the pros, A GROWN MAN'S GAME, your team can win by one point and it only means a better spot in the playoff picture.

Brian Urlacher, THE LOSING TEAM'S MIDDLE LINEBACKER called Tebow "a pretty good running back." Saint Timmy responded by saying earnestly, "That means a lot coming from a great competitor like him." I fucking love this guy, on and off the field. Liking Tim Tebow just feels right; like taking a shit without a shirt on. He's insulted by a guy who's number was never called during the game, a COMPLETE NON-FACTOR. He talks shit afterwards, and Tim Tebow kills him with kindness. Meanwhile, the hype (positive and negative) continues: My buddy Chad said, "Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase." Now, all he needs is a white girlfriend that doesn't sleep around with waiters.

I absolutely adore the blogosphere's vitriol for him. A KSK commenter put it best - "At this point we're all Frank Grimes to Tebow's Homer Simpson."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Low in behold when I was talking to my colleague, Mitch and his buddy, about my fantasy football team and how grossed out I am with Eli because he doesn't' throw the ball to Cruz; I didn't realize Mitch's buddy has been recruiting for the NYG for 20 yrs. OOOppps! Whatever his name is, (Buddy is going to be his name for now) said Eli has an amazing disposition of how he plays ball and works with the team. Yeah, I feel dushie. Who would of Thunked!
Maurice is an awesome team mate. After a few words from coach to get rid of him and the mockery the league gave me, I still kept the faith in my player. Thanks Maurice for following threw and YOU ROCK.