Thursday, August 7

Jeff Price: HERO

A few days ago, I was messing around with my Google profile and adjusted some settings. You know ... the usual: removing obscenities and offensive photos to help increase my chances of being hired BY ANYONE.

I clicked on a button that said, "me on the web." I'm sure that my online ramblings have kept me from getting hired in some form or another, so I wanted to see what came up.

Movie Magnate!
According to IMDB, this guy is known for writing Wild Wild West, Shrek The Third, and Doc Hollywood. Those movies are terrible, but he also produced and directed a couple of Tales From the Crypt episodes, which is actually pretty metal.

Golf Asshole!
Responsible for helping to make golf more popular in South Florida. Know what else is popular there? Unchecked assholishness. Screw that guy.

Pioneer of Lynn Basketball!
A former South Alabama interim head coach makes good and returns to where he began the program at Lynn University. He almost won the National Championship for this Division II school in Florida in 1997,  but just look at this mincing twat:

He looks like Paul Shaffer, public defender. He wears a suit like a scarecrow.

Sidekick of a Climate Change Superhero!
The College of Natural Sciences is a thing, and it has this guy as an Assistant Professor who does case studies and policy implications. 

NOPE. Al Gore invented this entire parasitic industry, and he would better serve the world if he were born into a sewer-cleaning caste in Mumbai.

I found Jeff Price on The Wire Wiki and he kinda looks like Louis C.K. He's played by a guy called Todd Scofield. Any dude named Todd is an automatic douche' ... so that was fun while it lasted.

Linkdin All-Stars!
These guys are way more successful than I will ever be in 10 lifetimes, but they still suck in many, many ways. I won't link to them because you need an account to view their whole profile. What's that? You weren't going to click them any way? I don't blame you.

Arab Child Exploiter
Founder, Children's Media Network in the United Arab Emirates. 8 year olds, dude.

The Office Tit
Major Account Executive, Board Member, Document Management, blah blah blah. This guy is Michael Scott from The Office and he is the worst person here. He probably runs meetings and throws a kush ball to people so they'll participate in the more. What an asshole.

Another Fucking Granola
Climate Change Impacts Adaptation Specialist. JESUS WEPT IN A FRACK WELL! How many mouths are sucking at the teat of carbon credits? Just look at this asshole:

Even from the tiny picture, I know I want to dump his books or give him a bloody atomic wedgie. I would bully this guy so hard he would pick up a gun and go all Lee Harvey Oswald, and that's the very last thing he would do, because he's a vegan pacifist. This Jeff Price was Mike Judge's inspiration for Beavis & Butthead's teacher, Mr. Anderson:

Tuesday, July 22

Gambling Is Awesome!

Thursday, June 19

Get To Know Your American Outlaws!

You know that guy from the office who has a nickname for everyone? The guy who points with a finger gun and interrupts your conversation to call you a name you don't answer to? Like Rob Schneider's Makin' Copies guy, except waaaay more terrible.

Right about the time the U.S. scored again to finish with a 2-1 victory over Ghana, I wondered how many hacky journalists were furiously penning those refresher pieces so they can play the cultural lighthouses to the lost ships of American fandom. Even if those articles were any good, you wouldn't remember any of the names. Names suck. Instead, I've put together this visual guide to our boys so you, the beloved reader can identify our squad among the droves of foreign shitheads who want to topple our shining beacon of freedom.

 BACKUP KEEPER: You'll never see him

 BRAZILIAN SLEEPER AGENT: just look at all that Brazilian-y hair!

DEUCE: He's an also a rapper that is actually better than Shaq

GRAHAM ZUSI: He's from Orlando and has an awesome name so ALL WILL KNOW THE NAME GRAHAM ZUSI!