|Drinkin' around the world at Epcot sporting a cardboard pirate hat.|
Here's an email I sent to Adam Carolla and his people:
Hello Everyone, I’d like to ask Adam if he would act as officiant at my wedding here in Orlando. I’ve been a fan since I heard his infamous ‘Occupy’ rant. Our date is February 28 of next year, and it will be held at a beautiful Spanish home near luxurious hotels. We’re expecting about 100 guests. In addition to the customary fee for Adam, there will be thousands worth of liquor, a lovely buffet and a fucking doughnut bar!
My fiancee Jennifer and I own our home. I work in the fitness industry and she’s an interior designer. Instead of registering for gifts, we’re asking for donations to our favorite charities: mine is the Wounded Warrior Project and hers is the ASPCA. We’re doing this mostly because we want to look down our noses at all of our friends and family. Her and I are big fans: we have Sonny’s ring tone and we called ACE On the House last year to ask you about caulking. We both really enjoyed your last audio book. I gifted it to my brother.
To put a little more money in his pocket, Adam and the gang can bookend a show before or after, perhaps with the great Dennis Prager. This might be a great Mangria sales push, as I have yet to see any trace of it here. We would already be married by a notary or judge or some shit, but Adam would be the man to do it. After hearing his story about hoisting a glass of wine during the pledge at the Medal of Honor function a few weeks back, I knew Adam would be perfect.
The following are the top 10 reasons for Adam to move to Central Florida. I have heard hints that he may want to move the Pirate Ship out of California.
1. Notable private schools, featuring dress codes (no nose rings allowed for teachers).
2. Green things that grow without public water paid for with your tax dollars
3. Low taxes and no state income tax
4. Local and statewide car culture
5. An international airport that’s not a piece of shit
6. People still yelling, “HEY, MAN SHOW!”
7. Roller coasters for Natalia, Legoland for Sonny
8. FACT: more Puerto Ricans than New York City.
9. Orlando City Soccer!
10. It’s not Miami
Thank you for your consideration. In closing, doughnut bar.