Wednesday, December 7

Week 13: Save Me A Waffle

Brian and I both missed the playoffs this year. I KNOW, RIGHT? I'm as surprised as you. By week seven, I hoped to eventually knock someone out of the playoffs as a final "fuck you" to anyone who participated in my defeat. Alas, I would not have my vengeance because fuckwit Marion Barber had a touchdown called back and Shonn Greene (whom I fired before kickoff) scored twice and had a hundred fucking yards. I was playing Geoff, and I couldn't knock him out of the money, but could I at least squeak out a victory before I return to fantasy football purgatory? NOOOOOOO...

Now, the Rex Ryan hate can begin in earnest. The Jets' run/pass ratio was the lowest in the league with teams that have winning records, and now you decide to hand it off to that underachieving shitdick of a back. YOU FAT FUCK. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A SEWAGE-DIPPED CORNDOG.

The Toyota Biggest Blowout Award brought to you by Toyota is bequeathed upon Josh's Pick City for routing Jen's Whoopie Cakes by over 24 points. Next week is the playoffs, so let's take a look at all the regular season blowouts ... because I love torturing soul.

The largest differential Blowout so far goes to Josh's Pick City, who decimated Brian by OVER 100 POINTS in week 10 thanks to Aaron Rodgers and Larry Fitzgerald. Tara held the award for most weeks, totalling three times. She got the shit end of the stick only once in week 2. I'm neglecting to mention my team because my therapist says I shouldn't.
The remainder of the season, I'll be updating the results as usual, except I obviously won't include a sad report on my failures as a manager. You won't have my Magnitudes to kick around any more. Instead, you all can focus on my failures as a commissioner. Then, we can all have an uncomfortable chuckle at my expense and wait until mid-March to collect your winnings.

In closing, this clip encapsulates how I really feel about fantasy football, every season, and for all eternity:

See you in macrame'! I hate all of you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This whole time I have been saying Fantasy Football is a Fool's Game. The Magnificent Bastard, spending hours on research and questioning his players each week, did not even get to finish with the Cooper League. I may have spent 45 minutes tops giving a damn about my team and yet I made it in the playoffs. What's with that? It makes me consider all the work and time I have put in other things that have failed or are failing if they would work if I gave it only 45 minutes of my time. After finding out, the so called "good news," that I nearly made it into the playoffs; you can really say that this game is wasted luck.