Tuesday, November 29
Presenting our new trophy/scarlet letter for last place: A tattoo artist got cheated on and instead of giving her a Narnia tattoo, he gave her a swirled pile of shit. I think the stink lines really make it pop. Whether or not this is true, it happened in Ohio, so I'd like to think it could happen.
The Biggest Blowout Award brought to you by Toyota is given to Trey's Groovers for their 48-point drubbing of Brian's shitty squad of ever-changing names. Congratulations! Brian's bench didn't even show up.
Sunday night, Bob Costas commented on end zone celebrations, chastising the individualists in all of us. For the record, I LOVE LOVE LOVED Stevie Johnson's miming of Plax shooting himself. Especially the part where he cost his team the game by tacking on penalty yards to the ensuing kickoff, having Plax score THEN dropping a go-ahead touchdown. That's like a triple payback right there. In retrospect, end zone dances are part of the problem, but no one talks about what's really going on here.
First, Costas' essay. It starts like this: "For those of you too busy keeping up with the Kardashians to notice..." He almost lost me there. Excuse me, you Lilliputian talking head! Are you lecturing us for sleepwalking through society's downfall because some really hot prostitute is shaking her ass in our face? Oh, I see what's going on here. The nerdy man with the microphone is drawing parallels between reality programming and football hubris. IT'S ALL OUR FAULT FOR WATCHING THE REAL WORLD! His colleague, Mike Florio did a write-up on it, adding that Chad Ochocinco tweeted a comment about Costas' rant, as if that matters. Here's Florio's reaction to it, including the text of Costas' rant. It reads more like 500 words promoting their gay online talk shows, and it can't be appreciated without video accompaniment, so here you go.
The whole thing is bullshit. It made me think about Tim Tebow while shuffling through the wins/losses at the water cooler. A lot of unnecessary attention has been given of late to Florida's own. The Tebowing phenomenon never really got national attention until he got trolled by some no-named lineman. Prior to that, the blogosphere endlessly ridiculed his piety. Religion (especially Christianity) is an easy target in this country. To me, it's boring and went out of style thanks to dick jokes. Countless athletes either kneel or point to the big coach upstairs whenever they're rewarded with an Earthly triumph over their opponents. Why are all the haters focused on him? Because he's the most successful or not successful enough? The most visible journalists usually don't go near this subject; they don't like God in their sports. They mostly avoided Kurt Warner's expressions of faith and instead focused on his weirdo graybush wife. Kurt Warner isn't all that much different from Tebow except that Tebow is likable and not boring as shit.
Instead of having you read through a rant listing this country's excellence, and how all this would be impossible IN CHINA, here's Zooey Deschanel singing the National Anthem at something called the World Series:
Right before kickoff on Sunday, Jen and I were in a rush and she hadn't set her team. I "suggested" that she dump Mark Sanchez and pick up one of the best guys in the Matchup Rating section. She easily accepted, started Vince Young and Mark Sanchez went on to throw four touchdowns. But all that doesn't matter one ball hair, because my girlfriend is better at fantasy football than me. Jen's Woopie Cakes beat me by 5 points. Keep in mind, she actually owns a copy of Air Bud 2 and you will fully understand my pain. People with such tastes shouldn't be good at anything.
Posted by Jeffro at 10:07 PM