Thursday, December 29

Tebow Be Praised! Merry Cribbsmas!

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It frightens me that there's a topless pic out there of this woman.

At last the pain is over. The inaugural season of the Cooper Football League has come to an exciting (if you aren't me) conclusion, with Tara's 2.5 Mendenhall prevailing. Is it me or does a Charlie Sheen and/or Ashton Kutcher reference seem really dated now? I guess it was a longer season than I thought.

Geoff, an admitted 'waiver whore' was bested with the help of Josh Cribbs, who scampered for a shit ton of yards but never scored, and put up over 29 points to lock up the championship. Drew Brees turned in a season-low 28 points for her. We should all be so unlucky.

Speaking of unlucky, Geoff's anti-Tebow aka Tony Romo predictably got knocked out of the game versus the Eagles on the first play of the game. He would have had to put up roughly 52,000 points for him to overcome Tara's lead, but I don't deal in hypotheticals ... ONLY TRUTHINESS.

Oh, and Mrs. Tara Price (his name is Trey) got third place after beating ohwhogivesashit.

Last year, I attended a shitty cummunity college. They have computers set up all around campus throughout the hallways there. Any street urchin can come in and use their old college ID and access the tubes of knowledge. One day, I was checking my grades online and listening to music with headphones. This jackhole sitting next to me was watching music videos and listening to Ron Paul speeches. Suddenly, without warning, he began shouting, "YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!" Being a Florida native, I've learned to ignore crazy people. That way, they don't actually exist so you don't feel bad for letting them starve.

He then proceeded to laugh hysterically at other videos, disturbing my readings of all things internet-ty. I should also mention that this was a black kid of about twenty years old. Of all the strange people I've been annoyed by here in my home state, I never would have imagined a young, black Ron Paul asswipe with no manners would make me want to terminate. After a while, he turned to me:

HIM: Hey yo...

ME: [face twisted in mean scowl and ignoring with headphones on]


ME: [deep sigh] Yeah?

HIM: Can I use your cell phone?

ME: Well, I'm sure they have pay phones here...

HIM: I'm calling a number in Dade county, and I don't have any money.

ME: No. Sorry.

He tsked a few times (loud enough so I could hear him) then left. I now realize that the actual swill spouted forth by ALL the candidates, pundits and undecided voters leading up to this year's election will be many, many times worse than any run-in with an unhinged PaulTard.

I don't have cable, you see. Between Netflix, YouTube and my intensive study time at the Regional Clown College, I'll be mostly spared these pricks elbowing each other to beat Obama. I wonder what the hell I'm going to do with all my time. So to help transition to the next season of the CFL, here's a few activities I hope to participate in:

Central Florida Warrior Dash That link is to a video of last year's event near UCF. Jen and I are doing it this year in celebration of her birthday. Unbeknownst to me, I registered myself without realizing that the conference championship games are that day. Looks like I'll miss most of the first game because I'll be chest-deep in worm feces, racoon urine and ringworms. Maybe Cake will perform at my get-well party.
Lebowski Fest Orlando This is a celebration of all things Lebowski! Activities include a costume contest, appearances from the cast and music from the band The Fuckin' Eagles.

Enjoying the new Van Halen album! Just kidding ... it sucks. Know what doesn't suck? The voice-only track of David Lee Roth on Runnin' With the Devil. It really speaks to me. I practice my job interview skills with this track turned up to eleven.

Smut shop sting operations! I've always wanted to do a bank job. That's street language for rob a bank. But if I couldn't do that, I'd work with the cops on a sting operation. I imagine my bladder emptying the second anything goes wrong, but the thrill could be bigger than any rush on the planet. I would need nerves of steel for this, but here goes:


sprinkles was here said...

This would have been most epic except CRIBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSS SCORED BRO!!!! Since 43% of Americans think that Tebow is winning through divine inspiration, I can only assume the other 57% percent of us wisely know Jebus is really working through CRIBBS. Otherwise, why would we say Merry Cribbsmas, yo? See, it must be true.

Jeffro said...

Go with God or something