Monday, June 28

Empires Crumbled, Humanity Doomed

Every so often, some upstart little twerp with a bug up his ass starts some shit and shows the neighborhood bully a thing or two about guts. In the words of one expert:
I can sum it up in one word: Courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit,
grit, mettle and G-U-T-S Guts! Why, Ted Stryker's got more guts in his little
finger than most of us have in our lower intestine. INCLUDING THE COLON!
Here are a few examples. I'll be brief, since I've been slamming little bottles of Hydroxycut Hardcore since first light on Saturday:

The U.S. lost to Ghana. These lightning fast assholes ran circles around us, even when we dominated possession and had close to three times their shots on goal. Ghana has now eliminated us from the last two World Cups. Luckily, we have the outtakes from James Earl Jones' other movies redubbed into the Star Wars movies to show us the humor in toppling tyrants. And no, he doesn't ever say, "this is CNN."

Personally, I blame that sex-starved perv William Jefferson Clinton. After our victory over Algeria, he was photographed in the locker room sharing a Budweiser with Sam's Army. Pretty awesome, until you realize that Bud is not an American company any more. They're owned by the Limeys. How would you feel if you saw Bono drinking a gaddammed Heineken on St. Patrick's Day in Dublin? You want a sidecar of Yaeger with that, you traitorous tit? Get fucked, Mr. President. You're bad luck. Go iron your wife's pantsuit.

From the MMA dept: previously undefeated Russian juggernaut Fedor Emelianenko was defeated in the first round with a triangle choke by this guy:

Somewhere in Moscow, Vladimir Putin is sobbing quietly in the arms of a 9 year-old boy.

They have a bit more to be miffed about. Sunday's match proved that their squad of pampered stars really couldn't agree on strategy, or understand their Italian coach's incoherent babblings. Lampard was robbed of a goal that deflected off the crossbar and bounced two yards deep past the line, which would've tied the match at 2-2. Instead, the Germans continued to blitz through the English lines like Rommel on a meth bender and won the match running away at 4-1.

For all the blustering from pompous Europeans about how backward and conservative the United States is, they sure suck at sports officiating. The city of London (that's in England) has over 10,000 closed-circuit television cameras. Sound like a lot? It's bullocks: a study says that 80% of crime there goes unsolved. Meanwhile, American football, tennis, and even fucking HOCKEY gets it right. Hockey, dude.

As much as the South American teams are dominating, I still can't root for them as much because they speak the Spanish. My favorite player thus far for the German squad is Bastian Schweinsteiger. His name means "pig climber." Maybe the Brits should've suited up Tommy and Turkish:

The caffeine and horny goat weed is wearing thin now, as is the lining in my stomach. If you need me, I'll be in my caravan drawing Hitler 'staches on those that have angered or offended me.

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