Friday, July 9


At last, the final World Cup game is upon us. After 1:30 Sunday afternoon (American time), you will no longer be forced to pretend that you enjoy soccer. With all the players egregiously flopping and the referees fucking everyone's shit up (especially ours), I'm about ready for this universally-translated dick joke to end now. But the drama and urgency in each game sure makes the NFL off-season a little easier to survive through.

Speaking of football: is it just me, or are there a lot less NFL stars getting into trouble this summer? Jamarcus Russel notwithstanding, this has been a pretty boring so far. I'm crossing my fingers for a grenade launcher shootout between Matt Hasselbeck and the 49ers D-line.

The Cup's tournament bracket is majestic in it's simplicity. After group play, (which is barely comprehensible by your average American) it goes to single elimination. The winner goes home to a parade of shame; unless you're American, in which case you return to relative obscurity. In comparison, the NCAA bowl selection licks sweaty sloth balls. It takes a frikkin' computer to figure out the ranking system alone! I liken the bowl system to the shady electoral college that picks our President: intentionally made confusing so a few rich assholes can actually select the winner without people rioting in the streets.

So it's the Nether-Regions and The Spanish Inquisition, is it? Awesome. My sources tell me the Orange Crush will edge out the Spain-tards 2-1 in a full-throttle finale. That German octopus that picked Spain to win can go suck itself, and it probably will.

Until those vuvuzelas start blowing, enjoy this clip of bitches getting their shit ruined and eliminated:


Argentina: Messi took 30 shots and went scoreless for the entire tournament. That's a new record! Know what else is a record? Their crippling poverty!

Brazil: Did you know that in Rio De Janiero the traffic is so bad, that people have to take fucking helicopters to work? That's a weak insult to the Brazilians, but it's hard to hate on them when they have millions of women/godesses that look like this.

Germany: They're playing Uruguay for third place. Where or when this happens does not make a shit of difference.

Ghana: MOTHER FUCK GHANA. Right now, they're slurping on yak blood smoothies, nursing their humiliating loss. Back to the asshole of the world, um ... assholes!

Japan: If they couldn't do karate, they'd be Filipinos. Their one saving grace is that they invented vending machines that sell used panties. Back to your 4' cubicles!

Portugal: Historically speaking, they're Spain's retarded little brothers. Just as nautically gifted, but they have a boring culture and have conquered/eradicated a lot less Indian populations worldwide.

Slovakia: Who cares where this shitty country is? A case of Zima says that they recently ethnically-cleansed themselves.

Uruguay: The name of your country is an insult to homosexuals. That is lazy and it lacks creativity. Try these instead.

Speaking of sailors, I'm feeling very nautical lately, and summertime brings changes in latitudes, accompanied by changes in attitudes. I feel the approaching oil spill will ruin my lifelong vacation spot, the Florida Keys. So, to wash away my worries like so many globs of crude oil, I'm drinking Admiral Nelson's Spiced Rum: $15 for a 1.75 L.

What, you think Captain Morgan had the market cornered on the 'spiced' moniker? Think again, landlubber. Close your sun burnt eyes and drink this swill, and I'll bet you 100 shekels that you can't tell the difference. If you want to be an asshole and pay an 80% markup so you can keep some goateed juicehead in his regional Captain Morgan costume, then be my guest. Besides, AN ADMIRAL OUTRANKS A CAPTAIN. Chain of command, people!

If you say Lebron James, you lose a testicle. Enjoy the game, everyone!

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