Wednesday, May 12

Hug the Mountain

It was reported this week that bodies of 179 climbers lie near the summit of Mount Everest, making it the deadliest mountain since the volcano that co-starred in Tom Hanks' hit movie Joe Versus The Volcano. Their remains are mostly unrecoverable because they rest in a places that are somewhat difficult to get to. I suppose the survivors could carry back the frozen husks of their friends, but why? All they have to do is roll that bitch over the side with a GPS device taped to him and scoop him up later.

CLIMBER #1: Ray is frozen solid. He won't be joining us for breakfast.
CLIMBER #2: Nice! More cold jerky for us!
CLIMBER #3: He was kind of an asshole anyway. Who's going to push him over the side?

Climbing the beast also known as Mother Nature's Frozen Tit can cost anywhere from $35,000 to $75,000. Compare that to the average cost of a funeral, which will set your estate back a measly five grand or so. Plus, at the funeral, there is only one layer of clothing required and it smells like flowers instead of yak shit.

This 'sport' confuses and angers me, except for the fact that it kills many of the idiots who attempt it. That part is pretty sweet. But if you were to ask any avid climber/adventurer/jackass why he climbs mountains, they might tell you, "because it's there."

That's some heavy stuff there, chief. You mind standing still while I plunge this ice axe into your forehead? THWAK! There. I just saved you from a becoming a frozen dinner to the next batch of brave shitheads that underestimate their food supply.
As for me ... I'll be here at base camp. I've got my flannel shirt and a karaoke machine. Hit it:

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