Thursday, August 14

From the Desk of Dick Pound


To: All you fuckers that made fun of my name

From: Dick Pound, Sports Blogger Extraordinnaire

Whats up, shitheads?!?! By now you're probably wondering, "Why am I reading a memo from Dick Pound?" Well, cumgutter...I'll tell you why: It's because I don't work for the IOC any more; and I don't give a fuck!

Since I got Floyd Landis' Quaker ass booted out of cycling, I've had plenty of time to pursue my true passion: writing. If I could persuade twelve judges to vote 11-1 on Landis' guilt, then you can bet your arrogant American ass that I can get you slobs to laugh at my dick jokes. I don't wanna say Landis had a lot of drugs in his system, but the amount of testosterone in his bloodstream could choke Courtney Love after a traceotomy. I'm going to be a little gratuitus and quote myself here:

"You’d think he’d be violating every virgin within 100 miles. How does he even get on his bicycle?"

Fuck the Queen sideways I love that line. You know I once ran into Floyd in an elevator? Yeah, I shoved him up against the doors and pulled his little fairy jersey over his head, like I used to do with hoseheaded lacrosse guys back in Toronto.

But enough of that macho bullshit. I'm here to announce my entry into the cutthroat world of sports blogging with my first post entitled:

"The Gay Scale of Olympic Sports brought to you by Queer As Folk; Wednesday Nights on Showtime"

These are the top 5 most effeminate sports in the world, and you can bet your ass I wanna dip my tainted test tube in them.

5. Water Polo
This is basically swimming and soccer combined into one wet, floating ball of faggery. It features some of the biggest sports primadonnas featured in the Olympics, with all the obsessive-compulsive manscaping of swimming with the added flare for flopping of soccer. Plus, they wear headgear that is more suited to sweaty men touching each other; also known as wrestling.
4. Badminton
This is a true embarrassment to humanity. Somehow, it manages to make tennis even more emasculating by using something called a shuttlecock. Now, if we can only get Rafael Nadal to play it wearing a puffy shirt with his trademark capri pants, we've got a sport with a crossover appeal that can persuade even the most strident Brady Quinn fans to watch.

3. Swimming

Where to begin? This sport has been getting men to nipple-fuck each other since the first two Spartans raced each other in the Adriatic. Did you know that the sport of swimming utilizes more grooming supplies than all the dog shows and beauty pageants combined? Congratulations, you simple you know.
2. Trampoline

Somewhere, deep in the vaults of the Triumvirate of Gayness located in the gayest of the gay districts in Gaytown, Alabama rests the inventor of the trampoline. His name is Philip Injerase and his dying wish was that trampoline routines be accepted into the Olympics. His disciples not only made his dream a reality, but they somehow managed to get syncronized trampoline routines in there, too. They also have been leaders in promoting the javelin throw.

1. Wrestling
This one is just too easy. Wrestling gets the Hal Sparks award for gayest Olympic sport. Excuse me...I'm going to rinse out my eyeballs.

No comments: