Monday, August 18

Be Very Afraid

Allow me to introduce you to American softball slugger Crystl Bustos. Try not to stare. She hates it when people stare. This will be the last year that the Olympics will be featuring softball. This makes Bustos very angry.

Crystl was born in Juarez, Mexico. Her father was a gun runner and repeat offender in America's "Catch and Release" border protection program. Her mother was a 1985 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

As a child, Crystl displayed an early propensity for team sports. As a soccer goalie, she once decapitated an opponent by squeezing her neck against the post with her forearm. She was found not guilty by reason of having a beastly physique.

As a young woman, Bustos was employed by her father as a truck. By the tender age of fourteen, she could load twenty-two migrant workers on her enormous carriage, eventually shuttling thousands of workers across the border to chase the dangerously elusive but rediculously lucrative American dream. The stowaways paid a premium for this, as their rucksacks remained dry and their children were carried safely in her cavernous jowls. Crystl rightfully earned the hearty nickname Autobus Bustos. Her father became rich and he had soon saved up enough to send her away to the prestigious St. Annas school for girls.

Once enrolled, the softball coach there spotted her early and convinced her to try out hitting. She sent three of her best pitchers to the hospital. Later that day, the catcher made the mistake of blocking the plate when Crystl was rounding third. A modest monument to her courage now stands just behind home base.

She was recruited by USA Softball in 2003 to anchor the already loaded American hitters. She caused an avalanche in a small mountainside town outside Athens, destroying ancient ruins when she found a skirt in her size. After leading USA to a gold medal, the undefeated ladies of softball went their separate ways. Jenny Finch went on to be a fine ass bitch. Crystal Bustos started endorsing an energy drink for latina women who lead alternative lifestyles. Arriba! is a drink made from roadside citrus juices, feral donkey semen and signature brown crystal meth from Tijuana. I'm told it's delightful.
At these Olympics, Bustos hopes to bring home the gold once again and honor her father Pablo, who died last year of lead poisoning and gunshot wounds. No one knows what became of her mother. Some say she was eaten by the mighty Bustos.

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