JM: Welcome back to the games of the 28th Olympiad, I'm Jim Norton. With me now is some diving slore we don't give a fuck about. The American fans here are a little upset and have begun to chant something that we can't quite make out here up in the booth. It may have something to do with the large asian soldiers with menacing eyepatches. Let's throw it down to our poolside correspondent, Soledad O'Brien. Whaddya got for us, sweet britches?
SO: Thanks, Jim. I'm here with Reed Walters, a Womyn's Studies major at the University of Florida. Reed, what is everyone so upset about?
RW: THIS COACH BLOWS! We can't trust him!
SO: What do you mean?
RW: Just look at him!
SO: So, you don't feel that he's qualified?
RW: Look bitch, HE'S ASIAN. They're a sneaky, underhanded people. He's looking out for his own kind and screwing up our chances at Olympic gold! We've got a guy on the bench that can win this bitch! PUT IN MELON! PUT IN MELON! (emphatically fist bumps roommate)
CROWD: PUT IN MELON! PUT IN MELON!
SO: There you have it, Jim. The fans want their Melon. Back to you.
JN: Thank you, Soledad. I can't hear a God damn word you're saying. Wait a minute here, folks...the coach of the American Diving Team is motioning strangely now, I think he's cupping his chest and doing some sort of variation of "tuning into Tokyo." That seems inappropriate here, since that is an obvious reference to the Japanese people. I think he's signaling to the locker room. Can it be? YES! He's bringing in Thornton Melon, the Cinderella star of these Olympic Games!
(chugs whiskey from flask, gives finger to Chinese bodyguards)
Thornton Melon, 64 years young, makes his way to the top of the platform now. Here he goes, folks: