Mid-Summer Training Camp Debriefing

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE PAKISTAN-AFGHAN BORDER
Good Morning, martyrs of jihad! Some of you already know me, but for those that don't, my name is Ali and I'm your camp counselor for the summer session. IS EVERYONE SUPER-PSYCHED TO BE HERE TODAY?!?!?!
(cough)
(very thirsty cricket chirps)
Ok...Well, listen up, everybody. We have a kind of a relaxed day here. I'm giving you all a little rest this Friday. The grenade toss is about the only thing going on later.
Anyway, some news: The great Satan's economy continues to suffer, with American dogs paying over $4.00 a gallon for their gas. You can all delight in the suffering of George Bush's people. We have learned that most Americans will be staying home to cook their filthy, fatty food and drink their demon piss alcoholic beverages. This is a great victory for us!
The clinic is very busy after last night's raid on the 7-11. We lost many of our best to martyrdom. The staff is hoping we can all cooperate and hold off on the diarrhea treatments for a little longer. The medical personnel is really swamped right now, everyone.
(groans)
(wet, spicy farts)
I know, I know...Just keep air drying a little while longer. Perhaps Allah will send some more of those soft wipey-things.
Monkey Bar safety is getting way out of control, guys. Once again, we're having problems with everyone climbing on at the same time where it is weakest. We don't get the proper training if everyone's feet are touching the ground, guys! Also, Muhammad was hurt yesterday when he dismounted. We don't want to put the helmet rule back in effect. I think I speak for everyone when I say we look rediculous wearing those things on the Monkey Bars, so let's all be a little more careful, mmkay?.
Hussein Obama is still leading in the polls! Allah be praised! Just a reminder to send your donations to the Chicago address.
(slow clap)
Kamal, are you trying to be funny? Because it's not, mmkay? Guess who's rigging up the martydom vests for next week's attack? Comedian Kamal, that's who! Barack Hussien Obama is change that we can believe in!
All right, that's it everyone. Who's gonna lead us in prayer today? Farazz? You're looking quite chipper today, how about you?
(whistling sound from overhead)

The fuck?
(J-DAM destroys camp)