Saturday, June 28

Magnificent Bastard: Dan Marino

(spills Cuba Libre on podium)

(stares at picture hanging above the podium)

Jesus! It's like staring into the maw of a yawning vampire stallion! Oh shit, is this thing on? Ahem...I'd like to welcome you all to Coral Springs for Magnificent Bastard's first induction ceremony. Isn't the band just great? Give it up for Menudo '08, ladies and gentlemen! Now somebody please get all these fucking pointy-sideburned panzies out of here.

No, I'm serious. And leave the waiter's uniforms. They're rented.

(finishes Cuba Libre, sucks on lime)

(jiggles glass)

Hey Consuela! Another Castro, please! God, I would kill an orphan for a waitress that understands english.

Ahem. Tonight we honor Daniel Constantine Marino, the infamous number thirteen. The most prolific passer in Central Catholic High School, University of Pittsburgh and National Football League history.

That's all good and all, but we're mostly here to enshrine Mr. Marino for his acting ability. That's right, film fans: Dan Marino starred opposite everyone's hyperactive, overacting Canadian Jim Carey in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!

In his spectacular debut as an athlete playing an himself, Danny succeeded in conquering the world of comedy by delivering a riveting performance of a stiff-legged, quick-release quarterback who overcomes his attraction to transsexuals and the loss of his team's mascot to beat the Eagles in Super Bowl XXXVI. I still crack up every time I recall that last one. He stole our hearts again when he was in Adam Sandler's Little Nicky and he asked Satan for a Super Bowl Ring. Oh, Dan!

(sarcastically slaps Marino on shoulder)

They wouldn't let us use the projector, so I don't have a clip. Sorry, folks. That dried up prune, Hiuzinga sprung for the nicest Hotel in greater Metropolitan Dade county, but denied us the viewing pleasure of seeing Marino light up the big screen.

Come on up here, Danny boy! Give us a speech! And we'e not talking about that boring shitfest you gave everyone when they retired your number...HOLY KIICK'S GHOST that speech almost gave me hemorroids! I mean here I was, recording the whole thing on my VCR, expecting this meaningful Lou Gehrig moment.

Nope. Nothing. Not even a tear. It pissed me off so much, I didn't even mind losing to the Ravens. Dan Marino, ladies and gentlemen...

MARINO: Thank you, Bookworm. I'd like to thank my lovely wife Claire, my kids and especially Michael who couldn't make it tonight. He's hosting a charity fundraiser at the Marino Center for Autism Research.

And the fans. The fans are great too.

(stares at Marino)

The fuck was that? You know Danny, you're like rufies at an orgy. Everyone remembers why they came, but don't remember a gaddam thing afterwards. Thanks for coming out. You're a real MAGNIFICENT BASTARD.

One last note, folks, before dessert is served: a little known fact: Todd Blackledge was drafted ahead of him. Thank you and drive home safely.

No comments: