Tuesday, July 29

Magnificent Bastardess: Gabrielle Reece

(clumsily stumbles to the dias on drywall stilts)

Let's have a round of applause for our band, Gator Country! We're so glad the surviving members of Molly Hatchett could be here tonight with their new group. Sorry about the parking, folks...their vans are taking up all the handicapped spaces.
I'd like to welcome you all to Jacksonville for our first ever Magnificent Bastard-ess induction ceremony. The committee is so excited to give a woman this award for the first time. They havn't touched a woman since that time in 1997 when they brushed up against the cleaning lady in the elevator.

(slurps down entire Caiperina)

We're here to honor the great and towering Gabrielle Reece, known as Gabby to her friends. I call her Gabs late at night when I'm alone, but most fans know her as the most dominating force ever to come out of Guerothan, the Land of the Giants. Gabby was born to a modest fishwife and a fierce shaman-warrior. Local legend holds that her clan was known for hurling boulders at outsiders. The tribal elders gave her the name Ga'bach'menon, which means Hairy Bean Bag. As a girl, Gabby used her keen eye and remarkably developed physique to crush all potential mates with her thighs. Eventually, all warriors were killed, and Gabby's land was overrun by the Baltimore Ravens. Unfortunately, things got worse for her when she landed a job at MTV:

She's come a long way to be with us, tonight, folks! A long way indeed! She surfed the entire trip here, using her husband, legendary surfer Laird Hamilton as a platform. He was also the winner of 1995's Douchiest Name Award. So...there's that. Anyway, she was an athlete, a model, then athlete again. Let's see here...it says here you were in an episode of Arliss! Bravo! And more recently a guest on the Tyra Banks show! Outstanding! What's Tyra really like? Never mind, never mind...tell me after the ceremony! Gabs, come on up here and say a few words!

(stumbles, Gabby catches him, fireman-carries him to safety)

GABBY: Whoa there, buddy! A few too many, huh? I think the kids' table in the back of the room is having some hot tea that can help you out with that. Well, I'd like to thank the Magnificent Bastards for having me tonight. Everyone has been so great. You all remind me of a camp counselor I had back when I was growing up in the Virgin Islands. The touchy-feely one. Seriously, if another one of you shifty pervs shows me your alf nose, I'm going to twist it off and feed it to my iguana, Boutros-Boutros Gali. Fuck all y'all! GO NOLES!

Awwww hell naw! She's a gaddam Seminole? BERTHOLD! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

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