Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

CONFIDENTIAL AUDIO TRANSCRIPT OF INTER-DEPARTMENT MEETING

Robert F. Gates

Secretary of Defense

So here's something to alarm all you lovers of freedom: the Chinese have finally figured it all out. They have combined two of the most powerful substances known to all sports fans. No, dipshit...not nuclear power and noodles. The Chinese have had nukes for about 50 years now and they essentially invented noodles before our own Natives were jacking off in their sweat lodges.

(in Cliff Claven from Cheers voice)

It's a little known fact that together, asian women and cheerleaders control three fifths of the global sports market. How is it kept such a secret? Use your head, asspipes...THEY'RE ASIAN. NINJAS! HELLO!?!

Cheerleaders have had a genetic positioning program in place for well over 100 years now, and they continue to dominate positions of power within wealthy nations. If you were to ask our President, "who's got spirit?" That motherfucker would jump up and down and spell that shit out for you, "WE'VE GOT SPIRIT!"

I've prepared a little PowerPoint presentation for you all to take a look at. Lights, please. OK, Randy, how do I start the sound? Is it Alt-S? God Damnit, why didn't you set up the hot-keys like I asked? Oh, here it is...

(theme from Rush Hour 2 plays)

At last, these two conglomerates of sexual command have come together to form the most hypnotizing, entertaining and boner-producing force to walk the Earth:
The Chinese have combined with cheerleaders to form...PURE ASIAN CHEERLEADERS! This image was captured by a spy that is now dead. It was taken with an ultra-high-speed camera that was ironically manufactured in China. It cost taxpayers four trillion dollars, but it was worth it: now we know how fast they can spin with a little folded fan in their hands. The answer: pretty fuckin' fast.

This image presents us with many, many mysteries. Perhaps most obvious is that it seems to dispell the myth about Chinese uniformity. Their hairstyles...different! Yet their bone structures...so similiar! But among the most disturbing is their apparent sluttiness. And when I say disturbing, I mean that I have to re-adjust my package every time I stare at this picture.

OK, I think it's about time for a 10-minute break, right? Yes, good then. EVERYBODY OUT! Candace, hold all my calls, mmmkay?