Wednesday, March 23

I'm A Smart Ass

In my ever-expanding quest to keep the Jeremiah Weed flowing freely, I've decided to go back to school. Since my high school graduation, I've tried at least one skeevy bartending academy, countless personal training certifications, even Rocky Mountian Clown College.


None of it has helped me achieve the dream of every red-blooded American man: a grand restoration of the original A-Team van. One of the bureaucratic hoops I have to jump through includes taking the Wonderlic test: it gauges knowledge of vocabulary and math skills. This test is also given to quarterbacks entering the NFL draft, in part to score their ability to learn new offenses.

I hope to accomplish a few goals here today:

*Expose some previously beloved icons of football to be drooling,glass-licking fucktards not worthy of a passing grade in underwater basket weaving

*Joyously shit on institutions of higher learning that I could never afford or personally risk humiliation by attending

*Dazzle you with BULLET POINTS!

The test has an twelve minute time limit and switches between math and grammar questions. I tried to make the admissions chick allow me to take the test online (read: force my nerdy Asian girlfriend to do the math part for me) but failed. Since mastering the English language at age 3, I put most of my preparation efforts into arithmetic. After agonizing over sample questions for a week and weeping over the possibility of being a wage slave until I'm forced to prostitute myself, I scored an unremarkable 27.

Then, I was told that my Wonderlic score was more or less a formality. More importantly, they wanted to know if I'm a pederast, how much money I could borrow, and if I had any traffic tickets (in that order). Sadly, this is not a joke.

On to the sample questions!

If a cup of pancake mix makes 2 pancakes, how many pancakes can be made with 3 cups of pancake mix?

I make pancakes at least once a week, bitch! Just like that, I'm smarter than half of the jugheads ever to play in the NFL.

Which number is larger: .8, 8, 90, 200?

My facepalm gesture says it all: Terry Bradshaw is dumber than a retarded giraffe.

A gallon of gas costs $2.50. How many gallons of gas can be purchased with $5? What, no beef jerky? To quote Shaq in Blue Chips: "This test is culturally biased."

Which of the following shapes has the least drag, if thrown in the air: Square, Rectangle, Circle, Polygon, Triangle


THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE These are the lucky few quarterbacks who were born more handsome than I was and clearly bribed the test administrator with sexual favors in exchange for a high score. Fuck these elitist assholes.

Alex Smith 40 Utah Not smart enough to avoid San Fransisco!

Drew Bledsoe 36 Washington State He's the world's smartest felcher.

Jason Garrett 36 Princeton Now coaches the Cowboys. What an asshole.

Matt Leinart 35 USC Likely he Christmas tree'd the whole damn test.

Steve Young 33 BYU He worships a stupid fakey God.

Sage Rosenfels 32 Iowa State His name sounds like it was found on a dog-eared page of a vegetarian cookbook.

Troy Aikman 29 UCLA This is clearly a miscarriage of scholastic achievement.

THE DUMB FUCKS One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned was, "The sun shines on a dog's ass at least once in it's life." That time was when they signed their NFL contract for millions of dollars.

Jeff George 10 Illinois This is the lowest score I could find. Here's the most awesome picture I could find: he looks like Tom Arnold if Tom Arnold could run the 40 in under two minutes.

Romaro Miller 11 Mississippi I don't have the slightest idea who this guy is, but I don't want to know. I want him to remain a mystery.

Marcus Vick 11 VT The dumber Vick brother. There are probably more out there somewhere.

Kordell Stewart 13.5 Colorado State The half point was for sympathy.

Donovan McNabb 13 Syracuse After he learned the OT rules, he scored a 13.5

Brock Berlin 13 Miami He played for Miami, Dallas, St. Louis and Detroit. When did he peak, exactly?

Neil O'Donnell 13 Maryland Another reason to hate his caveman-looking bitch: he refused to un-retire after Tommy Maddox was injured, paving the way for Big Ben to start.

Seneca Wallace 14 Iowa State He hopes to earn a starting job. In Cleveland.

Terry Bradshaw 15 Louisiana Tech Maybe his crazy pills interfered with his smart pills?

Steve McNair 15 Alcorn State Never learned to avoid sleeping near an unstable woman.

Dan Marino 15 Pittsburgh Who needs math when you own most of the records?

Elvis Grbac 16 Michigan Never learned to spell his name correctly.

Heath Shuler 16 Tennessee Sadly, there's no entrance exam for Congress.

Antwaan Randle El 17 Indiana He's a fantasy killer for yours truly, so this shitty score makes me very happy.

Vinny Testaverde 17 Miami Holds the high score for guys named Vinny.

Jeff Blake 17 East Carolina Remember him? Neither does he.

Cleo Lemon 18 Arkansas State Of course he went to Arkansas State.

Derek Anderson 19 Oregon State Cheated off the wrong retard.

Bruce Gradkowski 19 Toledo Real tweet: "Going to play laser tage!"

Casey Clausen 20 Tennessee Sounds like he should be making toys in Santa's workshop.

Michael Vick 20 VT He eventually learned English: "I fucked up. I'm sorry."

Brett Favre 22 Southern Mississippi Not surprisingly earned an A- in photography.

Ben Roethlisberger 25 Miami-OH Surprisingly smart enough to avoid cameras when he ejaculates on helpless women.

It pleases me that I'm smarter than all of these rich pricks. Besides: everything I know I learned from Saturday morning cartoons:

My special lady friend has been going around calling me "Mr. 27" all week. She claims to have timed herself and scored a 35. I think she's a liar and a cheat: English is her second language (after bad English). The website that posted these scores has a link to a blog and a few other things like:

The models reveal no statistically significant relationship between intelligence and collegiate passing performance. Likewise, there is no evidence of higher compensation for a player with higher intelligence as measured by the Wonderlic Personnel Test.

Well then ... I guess we can all go home now. This has been a monumental waste of time.

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