Saturday, January 8

For Sale

War Watch

I'm trying to sell a really nice watch. Since Craigslist is dumb, I thought I'd post it here. Besides, I have a helluva lot more traffic here on my amateur sports blog.

[huffs gold paint]

I need money to make payroll. I'm responsible for an entire team of crack reporters and informants that count on me to keep them out of the streets. Without me, they'd be trolling open houses and raiding people's medicine cabinets.

Tag Heuer Link Tiger Woods Limited Edition

I purchased this fine timepiece from a Turkish merchant in the Iraqi city of Mosul in September of 2005. I was working as a civilian contractor at the time and had more money to spend than I knew what to do with. I couldn't spend it on whores or booze, due to the fact that they were not allowed on a high-security military installation. Something about operational security.

Strangely enough, they allowed shady Turkish criminals to sell stolen watches. I bought two of them for $250 American, fully expecting they were as fake as Howard Stern's nose job. Also, I never was much of a watch-wearing guy. I work in gyms, which tend to have a lot of iron surfaces. These surfaces often break expensive watches. Besides, big ass clocks hang on the walls of almost every room. So I never had much use for a watch, other than completing an illusion of wealth for any gullible female I encountered after returning from a war.

HER: Wow! You were really in a firefight?

Yep. A lot of tough guys pissed themselves that day.
[thousand-yard stare] Some even lost control of their bowels. Not me,
though. I remembered my training.
One night, I spent the night on a tiled bathroom floor and scratched the shit out of the face. Believing it to be fake, I had a jeweler replace it and he insisted the watch was genuine. It's kinetically powered, so I had to set the time every time I put it on. I eventually broke the winder and was told it would take A SHIT TON OF MONEY TO REPAIR IT.


Yeah, so fuck that; I'm selling it instead. On more than one occasion, I've worn it as a piece of heavy jewelery. People won't look at another person's watch for the time, especially if everyone always fidgets with their phone every thirty seconds. The clasp is kinda fucked up too, and it comes undone pretty easily. It may be because I gesture rather wildly when lying about my sexual exploits.

According to the MagBas research department, this model is just like the one worn by Tiger when he hunched a waitress at the Perkins in Windermere. Sorry, I can't simulate the vaginal excretions that were likely crusted inside the wrist band.

Make me an offer and I'll have my people contact you.

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