Whoa, I thought to myself. If those little bastards can do that, then my sorry ass squad of XFL taint-suckers can WIN THIS BITCH!
And so begins my search for a name that my champions will be known as. I've been slowly saving up images and names and settled on a few that I hope you, gentle reader can help me decide on.
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS! You get to help pick the name of my team that will get smashed to oblivion by my opponents: the eleven barely conscious gastropods slobbering in front of their laptops. If you do any exercise today, let it be exercising your right to vote. This is America, after all, where anyone can be President, as long as they're woefully inexperienced and don't give one squirt of pelican piss about the Gulf states.
I've listed only the favorites, and I'm opening up the comments for new suggestions. And before you ask: NO. I will not share my winnings with you if you vote on or pick my team's eventual name. I need the money for a new liver, and those Bangladeshi customs agents don't come cheap.
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDES: From the movie of the same name. Easily the most moving film of the year. A feel-good story about three star-crossed friends who get lost in the woods. Go see it with your grandma. Bring napkins.
EPIC BEARD MOON: This guy kicked so much ass, his name should be ASS-MATIC. Once upon a time, Epic Beard Man beat the shit out of some drunk that talked out of turn on a bus. All while wearing a baby blue t-shirt that read, "I AM A MOTHERFUCKER." His image was later added to a wolf t-shirt meme by an unknown artistic genius. Worthy of a team name, mascot and maybe even a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
THE ANAL EWOKS: No description needed.
ORLANDO SHIBACLE: This term was coined by one of my least favorite players (FSU alum), but most favorite broadcasters (NFL Network). He was talking about the Eagles trading McNabb to the Redskins, a team IN THEIR OWN FUCKING DIVISION. Also, Orlando is a city in central Florida and my home town.
MULTIPLE SCORGASMS: Kind of juvenile compared to most of these, huh? It's also somewhat of a stretch to consider my talents capable of much more than a clumsy dry hump in the back of a Bronco and an awkwardly silent ride back home. It happens to lots of guys, right?
THE FLORIDA FLESHLIGHTS: These devices are molded from the actual orifices of adult film stars. They are named so because they resemble the shape of a flashlight. Need more description? NO SIR! I'm a sophisticated journalist, and my scruples prevent me from owning the Tera Patrick model. I will reveal that they also come in vampire form, featuring a mouth with vampire teeth. Watch out! They bite.
DISMISSIVE WANKING MOTION: This refers to something that has drawn a lot of attention, yet garnered no results. Naturally, it could fit any one of my pathetic teams. I first came across the term on FilmDrunk, my favorite movie blog. You may remember this blog for featuring a post analyzing a Twilight fan's creation of felt replica of Bella's unborn child. Yeah, it really exists.