It's About GD Time

I've been a customer with Netflix for over two years now, and every day I'm delighted by a new treasure. Recently, they started streaming some older movies and straight-to-dvd releases over XBOX Live. Often, I just breeze by the new releases, preferring instead to revisit my old favorites. I have a seemingly endless queue of movies I'll never watch unless I become disabled and/or unemployed (more so than I already am). Like any video store, most titles are complete dog shit.

You can imagine my boundless glee when I came across Midgets vs. Mascots, a reality-based contest pitting lovable, furry losers against nature's leftover dingle berries: little people. My imagination was sparked. I hadn't been so excited since Cannonball Run 2 came out on Blue ray. Oooh, lookie! It says in the description it's like Borat meets Jackass! Honey! Put on some popcorn!

The film opens with a cliche that's NEVER been used before: an old patriarch dies and leaves his fortune to his awful family, on one condition: they compete in a contest! In this case, it's a midget named Big Red Bush. He's was a legend in the entertainment industry, you see. He has a regular-sized douche of a son and a hot ex-waitress of a wife. Later, they have various versions of hot monkey sex. Sorry, did I spoil it for you?

All of this will be recorded and judged by a very lazily-stereotyped Asian guy that's his adopted son. Remember Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles? It's like that dude, only worse, and they call him Chinese. Everybody got that? Good, because in the OH MY GOD, TITTIES! THERE'S TITS IN THIS MOVIE! NOW WE'RE TALKIN'!

A cozy, poolside interview scene with Ron 'the Hedgehog' Jeremy completes the scuzzy setting and sets the tone for the kind of hijinx you can expect from the director who's credits include serving as a field producer of the 2005 ESPY awards.

Let's pause to address the obvious match up problems that come up here. Mascots have bulky, but otherwise lightweight costumes and hindered vision. Midgets don't even come up to your fucking waist and have enormous heads disproportionate to their bodies. I'm told they also get fungal infections where the skin on their bodies overlaps. The chafing has gotta be more painful than a steamy wool suit, even on the hottest days. It's obvious that these little bastards don't have a chance in hell, but with $10 million on the line to split amongst the whole litter, they're going to give it their all. They might even die trying.

Do think midgets have little coffins, or are they just cremated and put into pepper shakers at carnival snack tents? Discuss.

The mascot team is set after a brief tryout. There's a pansie-ass Easter Bunny, an obnoxious foam Taco, a fat Spartan with an exposed gut, and a strangely silent and Burger King-esque Sheriff Grand Canyon tags along in his own car, because his head's too big to board the bus. My early favorite is the "Gatorz" mascot. Strangely, he does not follow the pious path of Tim Tebow. To date, he is 13-7 vs. unconscious homeless men. "Do somethin'! What!?!?"

Did you see the velocity of that t-shirt cannon? I MUST POSSESS THIS. I will carve a notch in it every time I bean a child, midget or homeless man.

The midget squad totally blows up the spot, with the incomparable Gary Coleman, known as "the Shaquille O'Neal of little people." There's also something called "Bridget the Midget," a porn star that's introduced during Ron Jeremy's piece. She was on break shooting a scene in an alley, standing next to a dumpster to show scale. Thankfully, that is all I saw of her. There's also the guy who had a pretty big (small) role in the Colin Farrell hit In Bruges. Another female dwarf tugs at your heartstrings: you know, the one you feel most sorry for. Then, you forget about her and go back to eating your soggy turkey pot pie.

Enough talk! Let's get on to the senseless violence! The events feature it prominently, delivering bone-shattering hits to mannequins at a rodeo, stinging slaps to the face while standing on bar stools, and vicious kicks to the soccer shin pads of embarrassed co-stars. I found myself rooting for the little guys, because they seemed to be enduring the most pain: physically and financially. As one midget put it, "Pain is temporary ... but a million dollars can last forever (record scratch) ... unless you're Gary Coleman."

It also has an unhealthy dose of toilet humor. There's the gallon of milk chug challenge, the drinking game events, and the 'artistic' portion of the competition where the teams have to produce the hottest porno trailer. I'll spare you the highlights. During the rodeo scene, Western-themed Gary Coleman waits in line at the urinal behind the Gator, and he rips one right in his face. "You just shit in my mouth," he claims. Indeed.

What can you say about Gary Coleman that hasn't already been said by hack comedians for twenty years? The endless Willis references, the short jokes, the racist taunts ... all of them are so dear to our hearts. I wanted another Gary ... of the Busey variety! Imagine Gary Busey in a Chief Osceola costume, adorned from head to toe in a feathery headdress, leathery tunic and bad ass gold moccasins. Then, imagine him hatcheting a freshly-scalped midget dressed as a pilgrim. Now back away from your keyboard, because your mind has been officially blown. BOOSH!

The making of this film made real news! As reported at Deadspin in January, Scottie Pippen was assaulted in a hotel room by the midget squad after they fail to recruit him to their team. He wears the still bloody, armless Gator suit after the guy who wore it decided to wrestle a real gator. Needless to say, the picture and clip is AWESOME. If you're into that whole fake wrestling thing.

Did I mention there's boobs featured? Don't forget the visit the website, where you can buy midget condoms (they're short! Get it?!) and the unrated version of the movie. Halfway through this beautiful disaster, I figured that the soundtrack budget must have eclipsed production, being second only to Mr. Coleman's salary. Pretty rockin' ... and by rockin' I mean drunken karaoke night at the Thirsty Whale Saloon. All things considered, I give Midgets vs. Mascots two and a half foam fingers out of five. It lost a half a finger for not having any Asian chicks.