Wednesday, January 27

OK, So This Exists Now

I'm always on the lookout for some new distraction featuring hulking, hormone-injected beasts pummeling each other until they have to be gently cradled by a doctor. Since the NFL has only one game left (two if you count the Pro Bowl, which I don't), crippling depression will soon follow until the preseason starts again in August. So why not enjoy a bit of the ultraviolence?
This is XArm, brought to you by one of the creators of the mixed martial arts' smash hit, the Ultimate Fighting Championship. The 'X' is for ... you guessed it: EX-TREEEEEEEEME! It's featured on some on-demand channel called RipeTV. They also offer an occasional scantily-clad woman.

In XArm, there is "nowhere to run," because it's combatants are locked into a climbing harness that is attached to an arm wrestling platform. Also, their hands are bound together. You know, so the sport of arm wrestling's heritage remains pure. OK, XArm: you have my attention. I might watch this for like, five minutes.

Round 1: Arm wrestling. Try to pin the other dude's arm, or shatter both of your wrists in the process.

Round 2: Punch the shit out of each other. It's like fighting in a phone booth, if two rabid apes tried to use a phone booth at the same time.

Round 3: Kick the shit out of each other. Ever tried to kick someone in the head while clipped into a harness? Me neither, but my bum hip aches just thinking about it. You can actually punch or kick, but my sensei thinks you should kick.

Remember when it was tough for the UFC to get permits in some states? When politicians had important things to do, like protecting our innocent eyes from human cockfighting? But I guess our elected officials too busy debating on the hazards of texting while driving to notice XArm's violent influence on our youth. I ask you, sports fans: who will protect our kids from images of men wearing spandex?

To brighten up this post a little, I offer some of my favorite quotes from Sylvester Stallone's masterpiece Over The Top:

Harry Bosco: My whole body is an engine. This is a fireplug [makes fist] ... and I'm gonna light him up.

Bob 'Bull' Hurley: I drive truck, break arms and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best.

Lincoln Hawk: I always wanted to be a milkshake.


key said...

LOL awesome

Anonymous said...

Hi! Great topic, but will this really work?

Jeffro said...

sure! if the UFC, Don King and Stallone all die in a horrible plane crash.