Your Ping Pong Is Strong

Metal on Metal "BASTARD" from The Glue Society on Vimeo.

This is a music video. You remember those, right? Once upon a time, they used to give awards out to artists who had good songs and videos. They were played on a channel that cable subscribers payed money to see.

It's brought to you by {insert European waif's name here}. It features some of my favorite things in the whole wide world:

Fist-pumpin' tecno music: When I'm not watching MTV's Jersey Shore, I'm blasting the soundtrack while I TOTALLY WAIL ON MY PECS YEAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! I listen to the slow stuff when I tan.

*For an alternative veiwing experience, mute this garbage and try the new track
by Ill Nino.

Sporty asian women: Michelle Wie, Kristi Yamaguchi, hell, even the WWE's Gail Kim could teach all you drama queens a thing or two about classy sportsmanship. And math. Lookin' at you, Williams sisters.

A Butler: He should have white gloves and a jacket with tails, but when you're handling live munitions, who's gonna split hairs?

Dangerously thin blast shield: I watch Mythbusters pretty often, and those freaky little gnomes hide behind some serious plastic; even when they're testing the surface tension of bleach. Hey, Hyman-man! Do you really expect this shit to stop supersonic schrapnel? One minute you're cheering for the hot chick to win, fist-bumping total strangers, then BAM! You take a sliver of iron to the temple. Game over. You didn't even finish your complimentary pork pot stickers.

MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU! Any day that you can quote a memorable line from The Deer Hunter is a good day. When I typed up this entry, I basically started there and worked backwards.

Slow-mo: Everything is better in hi-def. Ever seen that show Time Warp? Do it now. Then, imagine if the director had ACTUALLY INCLUDED the moment where the ugly one loses at this game of Championship Russian Roullette Ping Pong. Seriously? All that tease for a split-second money shot with no payoff!?!? What is this, prime time on the Disney Channel?