Monday, October 26

Mayne Finds The Funny Again With Pey-Pey

Every game day, Sunday NFL Countdown is a can't-miss program, showcasing the best that ESPN has to offer. By that I mean Tom Jackson. Everybody else gets on my nerves, like a pebble in my Crocs during a long walk to the local Wal-Mart.

Kenny Mayne, the silver-haired ESPN alum who somehow managed to avoid off-air breakdowns or embarrasing sex scandals, was always one of my favorites: with wit as dry as Betty White's dusty snatch with exceptional timing. Back in the day, I often skipped Olberman and Patrick's "Big Show" so I could stay up to watch the highlights anew, with Mayne at the reigns.

For a few years now, he's been doing light-hearted humor pieces right before kickoff, entitled "The Mayne Event." It features NFL athletes and their local celebrity counterparts awkwardly reading lines and blindly following some hokey script. They obviously cater to the Disney-esque family crowd because they positively drip with Mickey Mouse puns and gags. I fully expect to one day see Kurt Warner clean a locker room with a magic broom, ala Fanatasia. Needless to say, they fucking suck. Most times, they fail to get more than a snicker from Countdown's hosts before they go to break. I'd rather watch another metro caveman sketch than endear another one of those turds.

But Sunday, I caught one by accident. Mayne brought in the NFL's version of Charlie Chaplain: Peyton Manning. No other modern athlete has brought more chuckles than the down-home comical stylings of the future Hall of Famer, except maybe Joe Namath. Ha! It's funny 'cuz he's shit-faced!

This video has it all; including several of my favorite things:

1) Traditional Irish music

2) Ass humor

3) Gay jokes

4) Taco! Taco! Taco!

5) Flimsy pracitice structures

Cheers to you Mayne, even though you probably didn't do jack shit during the production of this video. Peyton probably just strolled in, spread his team of writers out in a wide formation, and let the funny roll in.

Kenny Mayne recently wrote a book. In it, he no doubt chronicles how he used to work as a sanitation worker. That's right, kids: a garbage man. I always dreamed about being a garbage man; if only for a day. I'd love to find out if those grimey bastards actually enjoy shuttling warm, wet trash from smelly streetcorners to even smellier landfills, or if they just can't get any other job. But since I rarely read print media, (except the occaisional Cat Fancy or JUGS magazine) I thought I would pick out some of my favorite KM quotes from the good old internets.

"Their whole thing was that every state was going to be as unique as possible. I'm from Seattle and for Washington they did ultimate frisbee.”

“I'm not trying to make fun of everyone, and not everyone is supposed to get that kind of humor. But the people here seemed to like it. The guy really wanted to tell me what kind of tree he would be.”

"He was traded for a player to be named later. Right now no one knows his name, they just say 'What's up big guy?'"

"We show you this to see how women 18-34 feel about the play."

"Portions of this game were taped for training purposes..."

"But we all know that games aren't played on paper...they're played by little men inside our TV sets."

"We're gonna show it again, 'cause we have editing equipment."

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