If you've ever had the misfortune to watch television with me at the controls, then you'd know it can be difficult. With my miniscule attention span and general distaste for most things broadcast, I have been known to change the channel quite often. Some have likened it to staring at a strobelight.
But last night, I was glued to the screen as the Falcons scraped out a victory against Jay Cutler and the Bears: until I noticed that The Outlaw Josie Wales was on. Clint Eastwood's 1976 opus is probably my favorite Western, and no game, especially not one starring Cutlerfucker will keep me from savoring the good parts.
If you missed the game, allow my journalistic talents to enlighten you. But being the lazy blogger that I am, I present to you some copies and pastes from NFL.com, cleverly juxtaposed to quotes from TOJW. That's how lazy I am: I just abbrieviated it.
Now remember, things look bad and it looks like you're not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. 'Cause if you lose your head and you give up then you neither live nor win. That's just the way it is.
Falcons DT Jonathan Babineaux forced a crucial fumble at the goal line that was recovered by teammate Coy Wire to keep the Bears scoreless in the third quarter. The fifth-year veteran also had three tackles and half a sack.
I think we as a society don't use the word 'plumb' enough. How is it that people use fairy words like very or extremely but don't use the word plumb? If we all talked a little more like Josey Wales, we would all be badass. Also, we might chew tobacky.
Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?
The Bears entered the red zone four times, but scored just once. Besides the final drive, which ended on downs, the other possessions ended with a fumble and an interception.
Josey Wales uttered that line right before he swiss cheesed up four mouth-breathing Union soldiers. Seriously: how dumb are these shitheads? And what good is a reputation for badassery if no one realizes that you're badass? I guess it helps if you travel with a crusty old Indian with a loaded revolver:
To hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.
Bears QB Jay Cutler's pass on fourth-and-6 at Atlanta's 10-yard line fell incomplete with 29 seconds left.
On NFL.com, this was posted under the heading, "It was over when..." I love how they reduce a primetime game with innumerable twists and turns down to water cooler talk. It affords me more time to devote to cruising around in my sweet Neverending Story van.
Dyin' aint much of a livin', boy.
Johnny Knox had a touchdown for the fourth straight game and joins Walter Payton as the only Bears rookies to have a TD in four straight contests. The Falcons are off to a 4-1 start for the first time since 2004. Atlanta is 15-1 under coach Mike Smith when leading at halftime.
Who the crap is Mike Smith, anyway? I wouldn't know him if he had a Mike Smith Collection shirt on, with a big ass sandwich board that said "I'm Mike Smith. Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons."
Where were the shots of Urlacher itching his arm under his cast with a coat hanger? Oh yeah: I was watching a movie.