Tuesday, August 4

E-I-E-I-Yoga Is Coming To A Farm Near You

Most of you hapless victims of my posts already know that I'm a big fan of Everything Is Terrible. You might remember their hits like Sensitivity Training For Cops and Gary Busey Stars as 'BulletProof!' Well, the hits just keep on coming with this little gem, dug up from the vaults of some obscure video production company now in hell's vacant strip mall.

This video had me simultaneously bursting into tears from laughter and shaking my head in confusion. First off, I don't know what happened to Peter Fonda, but I want the number to his stylist and/or fashion consultant. Those Barack Obama jeans are frikkin' sweet! This granola-tweeker's appearance upsets me deeply, but his name (Yogi Okie Dokie) actually kind of fits him. But when I see him working with children, I'm afraid to watch more. It's like some sort of twisted perverted roller coaster that towers over a massive 50-car pileup, you just can't look away. Onward!

Rasta, the Jamaican Jerk Chicken is on loan from the local Sheriff's department. As part of his community service, he must take time out of his busy anti-drug pep rallys to ... wait for it ... teach yoga to aspiring child actors on TV! So this is where Hermes started off before he became an intergalactic bureauocrat for PlanetExpress. Hard-working and industrious people, those Jamaicans.

The cow is gay. Her name is How N' Now. Fuck the cow.

Do you feel that wind? It reminds me to breathe! It's important that kids breathe, mostly because their brains need oxygen, but also when unyielding bouts of humiliation overcomes their fragile minds while on the set of barnyard yoga.

Did you see Arron? He's the kid in the red leotard ( heh ... tard ). He resembles a young Corey Glover from Living Colour. I was waiting to see him strike a fierce tractor pose and shout I AM THE CULT OF ... I AM THE CULT OF ... PERSONALI-TEEE YUH! I guess he has yet to earn his rock stripes.

Right before the big imitating-a-blackbird number, a chorus of 'vegetable!' begins, as Yogi Okie Dokie harmonizes with Rasta. Is it greedy of me that I want to hear that remixed with a death metal track? Something by Lamb of God or Hatebreed maybe? Oh, how the internet has spoiled me.

The big finish is what I can only assume is a standing cobra pose, accompanied by the children/victims shrieking like feral cats. It pretty much sums up how I feel about this clip. Coincidentally, this is what I did last Tuesday after Fox's More To Love debuted. In both instances, I laughed hysterically and wet my leotard.

I triple downward-dog dare you to watch this three times. Then, I want you to think about all the fun you've had here today; moving and breathing. Remember to breathe!

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