Wednesday, September 17

Matt Serra's Definately Not Gay MMA Techniques

What's up there, fruitcake. I'm Matt 'The Terrah' Serra. You may remembah me from such medical crime dramas like CSI: Long Island and gymnasium viral awareness videos like HPV: Just Use Soap. Everyone here knows that my baldheaded ass doesn't roll outta bed for less than $100, so you douches are lucky dat I'm even awake. I had a rough night; Joe Rogan came ovah with dees stupid broads he met at some fuckin' comedy club and we were slammin' yaygah bombs till five in tha mornin'. YAAAAYGAH BOMBS! WOOOOO! What'd you do, twinkle toes? Fire off some knuckle children on ya sister's laptop? Queeyah.

Today's lesson is one of Joe's favorites. It's called tha Chinese Fingah Cuffs. Theyah's two tings that Joe Rogan does best: bombin' onstage and slidin' his Italian meat hammah into some tight asian ass. I've seen him walk up ta dees two Vietnamese hotties in Little Saigon and have dem each lickin' one of his balls out in Dana White's van inside twenty minutes. That guy is a real pro! 'Course, da roofies help. The pec implants too, I guess. But dey say a man should always go aftah his passion, you know? If you don't like that shit, then go play 'tummy sticks' with that skinny goth girl in Wedding Crashas.

Anyway, this is a finishing move when your opponent gives you his back. First, reach ovah and pull on one of his cheeks with your other hand. Fishook the shit out of him! Really get in there! I want you to know what he had for breakfast, ya Nancy! Make sure that fucker doesn't bite'll need your hand in one piece to finger-bang his old lady after he taps out. Dat's the ultimate hahtbreakah there. Then, stick your thumb up his ass. I got it on my first try, chief. Think you can do bettah than me?

I didn't bring an instructional video today. Actually, I'm not even sure this move is recorded on tape. You might be able to get a tape from Chester. He hangs around on 34th street in the city. Nice guy. Don't get too close, though. Dat fucker has a weird twitch. Instead, I got a clip of one of my first students. Dr. Robert Rey has come a long way in tha fight world. He used to have the belt at 185, but he went back tah California and stahted rebuilding labias or some shit. Anyway, I'm going next door to get a Red Bull smoothie. Practice this shit for an hour, then turn off the lights and lock up. Remember to shower afterwards, ya filthy mooks.

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