Friday, August 8

Spring Training Camp Debriefing


Good morning, freedom fighters! I trust everyone slept alright? I know it was a little noisy last night, but you know how me and the guys get when Yusef and his dirty sheep come through our part of the desert. For those of you that are new, I'm Ali and I am your camp director. Allah has ordained that I maintain your training and discipline before your eventual violent, painful martyrdom. Just'll just be violent.

Anyway, I know everyone has been looking forward to our Olympics Party this weekend, and I'm proud to say that this year, Mother Iran has entered more women into the Olympics than any other Muslim country. We serve as a proud reminder the world...I'm sorry I can't say it. It's just too funny! Ha! ha! Everyone knows that women can only compete in shooting, unless they want to be hung for improperly exposing themselves. Those American lapdogs, the Saudis (boo!) are trying to one-up us as usual by forbidding all women from competing in the Games. We'll show those Shia shitheads that we Sunni lead the world in keeping women in their place, Insha'allah!

(fires AK-47 in air)

Did everyone get a copy of the schedule? Tonight, we've got men's track and field and women's beach volleyball. WHO NEEDS SHEEP TONIGHT, HUH?!?! Am I right? Am I right? Tea and pecan sandies will be served over at Farad's. That's the big red tent, for all you new guys. What's that, Abdul? Yes, the party is bring-your-own-lotion.

Next up is camp cleanliness. Some of you country boys don't seem to get it! We set up the brown tent for a reason, fellas. We wanted a little privacy when we dropped the little ones off at the oasis. I won't name names (Amad! Trevor!), but some people keep shitting in a hole just west of camp. That's where we prepare our meals, guys! I know you think you're a badass 'cuz you got your first explosives belt, but if you can't learn to respect this camp, we're going to have to ask you to leave. And no, you can't keep your rifles.
Next up is our battle cry. I know that a lot of you want to change it, but the elders had a vote and it's gonna stay like it is. So for you new guys, it goes, "YES-WE-CAN! OBAMA-OH-EIGHT!" Got it? Keep practicing, Amad. You'll get it.

(Popping sounds, several campers' heads explode)

The fuck?!?!
(SEAL Team shoots everyone)

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