Friday, August 22

Matt Serra's Definatley Not Gay MMA Techniques

Hey kids! I'm Matt 'The Terrah' Serra. You may remembah me from such underground scat films like Trowel of Shit III and special celebrity presentah at the 2006 MTV Movie Awards. But when I'm not plowin' spokesmodels or slammin' yaygah bombs at Club Gold, you can catch me down at the Orlando Convention Centah at the 2008 MMACon. I got a fuckin' booth set up there. Pamphlets too.
My parole officah says I need to teach your panzy ass some new moves, so here I am, ya mook. Today, I'm gonna show you the clavicle grab. I call it tha Hellraisah. It's named after my favorite horrah movie 'cuz that's some shit Pinhead would do to someone. It's a great way to get your opponent to bitch out and cry like a queeyah. It might even put him out of commision for a few months. I tried this on Randy Couture and put him in the infirmary. They had to stop shooting over on the set of The Scorpion King II. You should see him in that little girly Egyptian skirt they make him wear. Big-headed freak looks like Shrek...if Shrek wore a dress!

Pay attention, numbnuts. This maneuvah is applied from tha mounted position, just like da Ray Charles. I've also done it on unlucky bastids when I was against the cage. I'm unstoppable in that shit. I'm crazy like that. First, yous hook your ankles around his waist and get a nice, tight grip with yah thighs. Then, twist one of his arms under him. If ya wanna really freak him out, tell him that you used ta fuck guys like him in prison, like the bad guy said to Patrick Swayze in Road House. I love that movie. It gets little Matty hard just thinkin' about it...

Anyone can get a stoppage on someone when you've got the full mount on them, but doing tha Hellraisah will make 'em go cryin' all the way back ta Iowa. After you put your weight on him, you reach out with your strong hand and grab that fucker's clavicle bone and try to rip that shit out of his little sizzle-chest! He won't be able to continue, you can bet your ass on that. Here's a copy of some fancy x-ray that was used in my last trial. Pin that on ya fridge, ya Nancy.

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