Friday, August 22

Joust: Tom Brady vs. Tim Tebow

Welcome to the first episode of Joust! I'm your host, Pat Sajak. Each week, we'll be matching up some of today's most dynamic performers from the sports and entertainment worlds. For your amusement, two competitors meet on the lava-filled caverns of a faraway planet to do battle on ostriches and storks.
Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen! Meet your fighters!

Thomas Roderick Brady
Seen relaxing on the golf course.

Nickname: The New England Clam Digger
Armor: Mirrored Shield of Reflection +3, Belichick's Chain Mail Hoodie of Homelessness
Weapon: Bastard sword of Model Smiting +4

Mount: ChiChi, the Jazzy Ostrich

Strengths: HAPPENS TO BE TOM FUCKING BRADY, entire offensive line, wears ring of protection from EPIC FAIL

Weaknesses: Brazilian supermodels, paternity tests, one or both of his feet

Battle Cry: Yoikes!...And away!

Tim DeWayne Tebow
Shown here on the bench.

Nickname: Tebreesus

Armor: Rock hard abs, Heisman ring of bling +2

Weapon: Jaw bone of jutting +3, lengthy catalog of Chuck Norris references

Mount: FloZell the BloodStork, Harbinger of Doom and Sorrow

Strengths: Circumcision, Baptism of newborn asians, can kill with one strand of hair

Weaknesses: Gorgeous SEC poon

Battle Cry: Excelsior!

Here they go, sports fans! Luck versus ability. Who will win? Only God can decide that. I'm calling my agent.

(bright flash of light)

Oh, FUCK! It appears as though the universe is imploding from the colision of these two mammoth forces of nature! This is like when the Ghostbusters crossed the streams! Oh, well. This is Pat Sajak saying, "see ya on the other side, assholes!"

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