Wednesday, July 9

Get Ya Grub On

We're having a (pseudo) family dinner at my crib on Sunday. You're all invited. Bring booze. On second thought, better just leave it by the door. We only have room for 7.
Presenting the menu:
Baked Ziti with fresh cilantro
Garlic bread with scallops and alfredo sauce (like the Olive Garden!)
Some kooky fu-fu salad guaranteed to make you lie about enjoying it
Pieces of Ritz Crackers
Did I mention booze?

Anyway, it got me thinking about animals I'd like to masticate. That means EAT! Get yer minds out of the gutter! Nothing would satisfy my increasingly adventurous palate more than gnawing off a piece of creature I've never eaten before.
~ Grilled Platypus with Carmelized Onions
Word on the street is, if you dice the bill just so and sprinkle it over the tender haunches of this retarded cousin of the beaver, THAT SHIT WILL GET YOU HIGH, SON! Just remember to say to yourself, over and over, "I'm in a safe place."
~ Seared Dodo Bird over Asparagus
Yeah, I know it's extinct...outside of a lab! Dr. Mephisto from South Park has made a whole flock of them...complete with FOUR ASSES! Mmmm I likes me some dark meat. Annihilating a species never tasted so juicy. Annoying Australian accent not recommended.
~ Broiled Neck of Giraffe with Pad Thai Noodles
Those long-necked pricks have had it coming for decades now. They're basically cows that survived a hangman's noose. Why Pad Thai noodles, you ask? Simple: Africa doesn't have any decent side dishes. YOU JUST CAN'T SERVE JUICY BROILED GIRAFFE WITH DIRT STUFFING. Make sure and deploy the industrial-sized oven for the lengthy filets. Also, girraffe neck makes a great filling for party-sized sub sandwiches the next day!
~ Wooly Mammoth Tartar with Mango Chutney
Cloned in some vacant garage in exotic Greenland. Babar's slow, hairy uncle has been itching to become dinner since he started trampling our ancestors to death around 40,000BC. Seriously, where do these motherfuckers get off having 3-inch thick hide so our spearheads do little more than give them a rash? Here's a fun activity: after you have subdued thair stank asses, cut off their trunks and shove them up their asses. Then take pictures to humiliate them.
~ Smoked Florida Manatee with Garlic Mashed Potatoes
The other day, I saw a documentary on Florida's natural springs, shot right here in my backyard! Them shits made my mouth water just watching them! Friends, I have realized my new dream: to open a creek-side bistro called El Jefe's.
First, you would choose the beast you wanted, just like at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster and shit. Then, the animal is hoisted onto a enormous cutting board, where it's promptly butchered alive by ME with a 37" McCullough chainsaw. After the feast, I give my used apron to the firstborn, as is their right and priveledge.
Then, the choice cuts (snout, fins and tenderloins) are hung in the smoker to be dried to perfection while you, the customer gets wasted on jumbo Grand Marnier Margaritas!
If you're like me, your tastebuds are very horny right now. Give me some menu suggesstions and recieve a coupon for A FREE BODY MASSAGE while you wind down in a dockside hammock! After all, it's important to satisfy the itis after a good meal. Bon Appetit!

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