Right about the time the U.S. scored again to finish with a 2-1 victory over Ghana, I wondered how many hacky journalists were furiously penning those refresher pieces so they can play the cultural lighthouses to the lost ships of American fandom. Even if those articles were any good, you wouldn't remember any of the names. Names suck. Instead, I've put together this visual guide to our boys so you, the beloved reader can identify our squad among the droves of foreign shitheads who want to topple our shining beacon of freedom.
BACKUP KEEPER: You'll never see him
BRAZILIAN SLEEPER AGENT: just look at all that Brazilian-y hair!
DEUCE: He's an also a rapper that is actually better than Shaq
GRAHAM ZUSI: He's from Orlando and has an awesome name so ALL WILL KNOW THE NAME GRAHAM ZUSI!
GUY FROM ACCOUNTS PAYABLE THAT YOU ALWAYS PICK FIRST FOR PICKUP GAMES
LATINO OBAMA = LLAMA
MIMIC FROM EDGE OF TOMORROW
MIX DISKERUD: I thought this was a typo. This guy has an awesome name, like a DJ in a Scandinavian bondage club. THE NAME STAYS.
NICE KID FROM A FEW DOORS DOWN THAT HELPS WOMEN MOVE BUT DOESN'T ASK THEM OUT
RUSSIAN HENCHMAN #4
RYAN FROM THE O.C.
RACIST JESSE PINKMAN
SKINNY JONAH HILL
SPORTSCASTER IN IOWA
STITCHES WITHOUT THE TATTOOS
THE BEEZ: I even Googled, "What does Michael Beasley look like?" so there ya go.
ALIBI FOR TIGER WOODS: All of his troubles (all 100 million of them) could have been avoided by hiring this dude.
TODD: You all know gangsta Todd
Now, you're an official fan of the Outlaws! It's a shame we can't hire BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER ... He has the coolest name in all of sports. His last name literally means Pig Killer and this photo of him makes him look cuh-ray-zee: