Monday, May 9

Simulated Bat Sex: The New Crotch Chop

I've tried out Norm McDonald's Sports Show a few times now, and it's just now making me laugh. I was unimpressed up to this point except for Norm's use of the Sad Bill Cosby meme (seen here). Here's his take on the whole Roger McDowell-Allegedly-Screaming-Obscenities-At-Children incident. From now on, let's just call it BatFuckGate, ummkay?

Right after Gloria "Mistress Litigator" Allred announced a demonstration, a member of Norm's audience noticeably yelped. NAILED IT! That line was masterful: the rehearsed timing of a master trial lawyer grandstanding for the hungry media hounds. It brilliantly triggered the awkward silence followed by the rapid shuttering of the cameras in hopes of capturing a moment of horror on the girls' faces. Alas, the videographer zoomed in on the adults (BOOOOO!) and the youngsters were cut out.

I like to brag that nothing shocks me, yet I still find it hard that this shit isn't just a prank. G-Red's prompting of Justin (her client and the girls' father) to help demonstrate penetration by a piece of sports equipment in the company of minors and 100 journalists reminds me of something the late great Andy Kaufman might do, if he were a seedy pervert. The only thing that would've made it more disgusting is if he would've made a fist. Maybe grunt a little over Technotronic's Pump Up the Jam.

Author's note: Ever tried to do the running man whilst wearing a fanny pack ON THE FRONT? You may just puncture your testicles.

The first time I learned about Gloria Allred was during the later stages of the Tiger Woods distraction. She offered her services (for FREE!) to one of the adult film actresses who wriggled her way onto the publicity teat until the milk ran dry. The press coverage was equally inhuman and whorish. How whorish, you ask? Imagine Kim Kardashian and Fergie 69-ing for Charlie Sheen filmed by ten thousand sex offenders.

The defendant McDowell, is my favorite guy in all this. He exposed Justin (of course his name's Justin) as a monumental douche of a father. Where is your class, sir? Taking your little girls to a ball park is just one lurid obscenity away from a UFC bout. I once went to a Spring training game at Disney's Wide World of Sports and sat behind a row of Phillies fans. No embellishment here; we all know how that shit went down.

Finally, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!?! I hope to Christ I never have girls of my own. If something like this ever happened to me, I'd have to rush "the talk" right before the press conference. There's no fucking way in hell my innocent little princesses would learn about the birds and the bees from seeing a cunty attorney fuck their father's hand with a bat.

If you need to comment, go right ahead. I'm going out to buy some vasectomies.

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