You've Come A Long Way, Baby

Womyns' tennis is a favorite sport of mine, especially when there's a football blackout and I'm in the depths of an ether/vicodin binge. So I pretty much have to be paralyzed to keep me from changing the channel or hurling a shoe through the screen. I do love that grunting, though.

I've been a hater of the Williams' sisters for a long time now, ever since their father opened his mouth and spoke English (?). I love to see them fail; and wherever I am, I revel in it loudly and obnoxiously, especially since I get accused of being racist. Then, in a flash I whip out my "Get Out of Racist Jail Free" card and shove it in my accuser's uppity face. My tri-racial girlfriend got it for me: it has a picture of Jada Pinkett-Smith flipping off "the Man."

Don't misunderstand me: my anger is really just misplaced frustration. I want to like them. I really do. They're just not hot enough. Venus is awkward and has a name that rhymes with penis. Serena has the femininity of The Incredible Hulk in a short dress. What's that, you say? Womyn's tennis isn't about sex appeal? Turn off your computer right now and go jump into a pit of flaming sewage.

Anyway, back to This instructional video is for the ladies: it gives you a special how-to guide of how to get your man and keep him. Kinda like EVERY ISSUE OF COSMOPOLITAN, except the Internet doesn't charge you $6.00 and make you throw up out of shame for not looking like Gillian Jacobs. Don't hate her because she's beautiful.

Language and guttural moaning is NSFW, unless you work at a porn store or power tool depot.



This piece would've been better with the statuesque and hilarious Aisha Tyler, but UCB Comedy doesn't have the budget for her. That kinda talent would cost roomfuls of cash, like MTV-money.