Week 5 Death Blossom!

Once upon a time, in a tourist trap of a town far, far away, I lost a bet to this freaky chick and had to watch Brokeback Mountain with her. Far be it from me to welch on a bet...and besides...I heard the music was especially tranquil. Ang Lee created sweeping landscape shots and finely crafted scenes in the first few moments of the film. What followed was something that would scar my psyche forever and I refuse to sully the pages of this fine blog with anything further. This weekend, I was toasting another win by my gay sharks (Miami Dolphins) and another loss by my Hobo Sodomites (shitty fantasy team #4). I was drinking what I refer to as my gay cowboy drink: Lord Calvert and cream soda. It's similiarities are twofold:

1) Lord Calvert is what rednecks drink (see: plastic bottle, rustic label)

2) cream soda is for pillow biters

As I celebrated another score by the 'Phins, I jumped so high that I slammed my head into a low-hanging eyelet for a sex swing mounted clandistinely on Ross' cieling. He really needs to get some therapy.

My vision was blurry, but I could just make out a terd with a helmet as he appeared appeared before me, shouting, "SHOOT, ALEX, SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

For the love of fuck's cunt that guy is annoying. If I were Alex Rogan, I would have ejected that uppity co-pilot into the cold vacuum of space the second he whipped out the pictures of his 5,000 little 'Grig-lets."
Each week here at Magnificent Bastards, I present Death Blossom. I will pick one of my Hobo Sodomites and describe for you, in gory detail how I will kill that player. Winning and losing does not concern me. What concerns me is the unyielding suffering and eventual death of a player, in which I have a personal interest in succeeding. I thank you in advance for your words of encouragement and heartfelt text messages during my lengthy stay in a Federal prison.

This week, my victim is Matt Schaub. I traded Brian some unlucky asshole for this cuntfaced pussy. He captains the offense for the winless Houson Texans. He decided that his little T-Rex throwing arm was aching and decided to fucking sit out of the game. WHAT. A. BITCH.

First, I'm going to gather all my credentials and head on down to the heavy equipment rental place, wherever the fuck that is. Then, I'm going to rent my huge piece of fucking shit steamroller and put that shit into high gear. I would surely be able to outrun that immobile douchefuck injured pussyflap of a benchwarmer, Matt "Big Schaub." Finally, I run over that sandbagging son of a whore up to his neck, leaving him barely alive to I can crank up the 10,000 watt stereo I had specially installed on the steamroller. In case you were wondering, it cost an extra $25.99, plus insurance. Ladies and gentlemen, here's DethKlok singing their hit, Bloodrocuted!

Matt Schaub's eardrums burst just before I squash that useless noodle-armed fish stick into the pavement. The End.