Good morning, courageous warriors for Allah! For those of you who are new, my name is Ali and I'm your camp counselor for the fall session. I know some of you new guys are tired. The midnight camel-raping hazing thing we always do ran a little late last night. That's why you guys got the little inflatable pillow thingies in your chairs this morning...compliments of the Saudi Wahabi theocracy!
I know all of you are dying to watch the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner. I am sorry to announce that Yusef taped over it. The elimination round of Dancing With The Stars was apparently more important than making us laugh out here in the cold, dusty shitstorm of a training camp. I think I speak for all of us when I say FUCK YOU, YUSEF. I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL, YOU INFIDEL-LOVING DOG.
But, I have good news! I downloaded the transcript this morning and here is my favorite part:
As usual, Lisa Lampanelli closed the roast with her usual style and grace. She is easily the funniest uncovered female infidel comedian. She continued the jibes aimed at Andy Dick and took a few more rips at the other filthy homosexual at the roast: "When Elton John heard Bill Shatner's version of Rocket Man, he spit George Tekei's dick out of his mouth."
I HAVE A SURPRISE! Gather 'round my laptop, everyone! I also found this clip of Shatner singing Rocketman!
Well, that was a lovely distraction. I wish that we could be watching this in a comfy, air-conditioned luxury home instead of shitting in a hole out here in the mountians. Oh well! Allah works in mysterious ways!
On to the first order of business: CELEBRATING THE SUCCESS OF OUR TRAITOR INSIDE THE GREAT SATAN, BARACK OBAMA! The American media is overwhelmingly predicting a victory for the Democratic party, and the hapless, idiotic voters are actually believing them! Also, the entire entertainment industry is showing what elitist, snobbish pricks they actually are and have continued spouting hateful, ageist slander against Obama's opponent, the terrifying killer superhero known as Senator John McCain.
We will feast on lamb tonight and celebrate Barack's victory over the American infidels! I know that we will...
[M1 tank crushes entire camp]