tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79748962048550021572024-03-13T19:53:22.423+09:00Magnificent BastardsWelcome to Magnificent Bastards: the blog about the athletes whose glorious careers we admire and the unforgiveable faults we despise.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-9225434922655409862014-11-11T20:06:00.001+09:002014-11-11T20:06:52.098+09:00Here's A Nice Distraction<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/n12lyKTAa50" width="459"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-873721244041239802014-08-07T23:27:00.001+09:002014-08-07T23:28:29.185+09:00Jeff Price: HEROA few days ago, I was messing around with my Google profile and adjusted some settings. You know ... the usual: removing obscenities and offensive photos to help increase my chances of being hired BY ANYONE.<br />
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I clicked on a button that said, "me on the web." I'm sure that my online ramblings have kept me from getting hired in some form or another, so I wanted to see what came up.<br />
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<b>Movie Magnate!</b><br />
According to <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0696949/">IMDB</a>, this guy is known for writing Wild Wild West, Shrek The Third, and Doc Hollywood. Those movies are terrible, but he also produced and directed a couple of <i>Tales From the Crypt</i> episodes, which is actually pretty metal.<br />
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<b>Golf Asshole!</b><br />
Responsible for helping to make golf more popular in <a href="http://www.pga.com/pga-america/pga-feature/jeff-price-named-chief-commercial-officer-pga-america">South Florida</a>. Know what else is popular there? Unchecked assholishness. Screw that guy.<br />
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<b>Pioneer of Lynn Basketball!</b><br />
A former South Alabama interim head coach <a href="http://www.al.com/sports/index.ssf/2013/04/jags_former_interim_head_coach.html">makes good</a> and returns to where he began the program at Lynn University. He almost won the National Championship for this Division II school in Florida in 1997, but just look at this mincing twat:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMlJlfBwZ9jMKXVp2o9Rhfi2YoaBJq33MQY9dn7f4wprL-Mu-jBaAICDp0GDfWps7PUaMiaC56P6Bd9WrRPeLUXRuS0Y3NN1mGyT250pUyxGWPmssEVAtR_sF6yIGl7ObY62uLz74nyRY/s1600/12053371-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMlJlfBwZ9jMKXVp2o9Rhfi2YoaBJq33MQY9dn7f4wprL-Mu-jBaAICDp0GDfWps7PUaMiaC56P6Bd9WrRPeLUXRuS0Y3NN1mGyT250pUyxGWPmssEVAtR_sF6yIGl7ObY62uLz74nyRY/s1600/12053371-large.jpg" height="320" width="307" /></a></div>
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He looks like Paul Shaffer, public defender. He wears a suit like a scarecrow.</div>
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<b>Sidekick of a Climate Change Superhero!</b></div>
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The College of Natural Sciences <a href="http://www.csuchico.edu/nsci/_researchlinks/price.shtml">is a thing</a>, and it has this guy as an Assistant Professor who does case studies and policy implications. </div>
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NOPE. Al Gore invented this entire parasitic industry, and he would better serve the world if he were born into a sewer-cleaning caste in Mumbai.</div>
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<b>THE WIRE!</b></div>
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I found Jeff Price on <a href="http://thewire.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_Price">The Wire Wiki</a> and he kinda looks like Louis C.K. He's played by a guy called Todd Scofield. Any dude named Todd is an automatic douche' ... so that was fun while it lasted.</div>
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<b>Linkdin All-Stars!</b></div>
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These guys are way more successful than I will ever be in 10 lifetimes, but they still suck in many, many ways. I won't link to them because you need an account to view their whole profile. What's that? You weren't going to click them any way? I don't blame you.</div>
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<b>Arab Child Exploiter</b></div>
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Founder, Children's Media Network in the United Arab Emirates. 8 year olds, dude.</div>
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<b>The Office Tit</b></div>
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Major Account Executive, Board Member, Document Management, blah blah blah. This guy is Michael Scott from <i>The Office</i> and he is the worst person here. He probably runs meetings and throws a kush ball to people so they'll participate in the more. What an asshole.</div>
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<b>Another Fucking Granola</b></div>
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Climate Change Impacts Adaptation Specialist. JESUS WEPT IN A FRACK WELL! How many mouths are sucking at the teat of carbon credits? Just look at this asshole:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio0EFghJ9JGN4VhIEQU12138a_mlTLaxtcZFUtXjj-9BERnRI3Me-48eOSNxvh0vnEuCyWqZpLraMZbAzSJVWyOQ7pOPOlR0vYuf6mQ0vE7Dwzwf5_4RiexmQpd2aD2QUfzHX1sZvA0CY/s1600/Jeff+Price+++United+Kingdom+++LinkedIn.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio0EFghJ9JGN4VhIEQU12138a_mlTLaxtcZFUtXjj-9BERnRI3Me-48eOSNxvh0vnEuCyWqZpLraMZbAzSJVWyOQ7pOPOlR0vYuf6mQ0vE7Dwzwf5_4RiexmQpd2aD2QUfzHX1sZvA0CY/s1600/Jeff+Price+++United+Kingdom+++LinkedIn.png" height="316" width="320" /></a></div>
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Even from the tiny picture, I know I want to dump his books or give him a bloody atomic wedgie. I would bully this guy so hard he would pick up a gun and go all Lee Harvey Oswald, and that's the <i>very last</i> thing he would do, because he's a vegan pacifist. This Jeff Price was Mike Judge's inspiration for Beavis & Butthead's teacher, Mr. Anderson:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LijER35fGZo?rel=0" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-34018230581996200562014-07-22T03:17:00.001+09:002014-07-22T03:17:46.539+09:00Gambling Is Awesome!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/HKMNKS-9ugY?list=UU3XTzVzaHQEd30rQbuvCtTQ" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-62732304918596919812014-06-19T22:36:00.002+09:002014-06-19T22:36:49.883+09:00Get To Know Your American Outlaws!You know that guy from the office who has a nickname for everyone? The guy who points with a finger gun and interrupts your conversation to call you a name you don't answer to? Like Rob Schneider's <i>Makin' Copies</i> guy, except <i>waaaay</i> more terrible.<br />
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Right about the time the U.S. scored again to finish with a 2-1 victory over Ghana, I wondered how many hacky journalists were furiously penning those refresher pieces so they can play the cultural lighthouses to the lost ships of American fandom. Even if those articles were any good, you wouldn't remember any of the names. Names suck. Instead, I've put together this visual guide to our boys so you, the beloved reader can identify our squad among the droves of foreign shitheads who want to topple our shining beacon of freedom.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidPQuoEsvuSs-oOX4PeoHgApzLJElqr9p0_vuVPs9_octsfou1uXQ1X4qbE4UPPUl02v2wAUmSdd7bdWIxY95XDokleXoINazXv05b5JZB1dR1xn7invjIMlZ2mVdnqzYBJGkoHAWCRRU/s1600/Backup+Keeper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidPQuoEsvuSs-oOX4PeoHgApzLJElqr9p0_vuVPs9_octsfou1uXQ1X4qbE4UPPUl02v2wAUmSdd7bdWIxY95XDokleXoINazXv05b5JZB1dR1xn7invjIMlZ2mVdnqzYBJGkoHAWCRRU/s1600/Backup+Keeper.jpg" /></a></div>
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BACKUP KEEPER: You'll never see him</div>
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BRAZILIAN SLEEPER AGENT: just look at all that Brazilian-y hair!</div>
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DEUCE: He's an also a rapper that is actually better than Shaq</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW1heX2vPcHoyj5p6SJgD4vPLUQ8MWvGaBHNWQ5mwZa96pBeitjsSNXIXTOUJzwsW2nDp2OiXM5QKpivEQtDYECg5sFJtRDHKdG91cdzcjADvWprSAxQn-0qildIWbJoGjakl8mbxKRK0/s1600/Graham+Zusi+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW1heX2vPcHoyj5p6SJgD4vPLUQ8MWvGaBHNWQ5mwZa96pBeitjsSNXIXTOUJzwsW2nDp2OiXM5QKpivEQtDYECg5sFJtRDHKdG91cdzcjADvWprSAxQn-0qildIWbJoGjakl8mbxKRK0/s1600/Graham+Zusi+copy.jpg" /></a></div>
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GRAHAM ZUSI: He's from Orlando and has an awesome name so ALL WILL KNOW THE NAME GRAHAM ZUSI!</div>
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GUY FROM ACCOUNTS PAYABLE THAT YOU ALWAYS PICK FIRST FOR PICKUP GAMES</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNc5uY3q3JcAGfWgQkSmeB_vwUOugjV0Kh4Acvgv-FU2keZU-JZd8oipQ2rxzOXQ2h6UlaRWWl9d-X3koa3wqJXKRXvkZcXxAJtv787Ba0lM6Kmv78fkKFXrnZ4FpmyQaobexqJi2h5B0/s1600/Latino+Obama.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNc5uY3q3JcAGfWgQkSmeB_vwUOugjV0Kh4Acvgv-FU2keZU-JZd8oipQ2rxzOXQ2h6UlaRWWl9d-X3koa3wqJXKRXvkZcXxAJtv787Ba0lM6Kmv78fkKFXrnZ4FpmyQaobexqJi2h5B0/s1600/Latino+Obama.jpg" /></a></div>
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LATINO OBAMA = LLAMA</div>
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MIDNIGHT OIL</div>
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MIMIC FROM <a href="http://youtu.be/fLe_qO4AE-M?t=6s">EDGE OF TOMORROW</a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwow4xkomUcWJx-EzzfrTgljFQuNS6angbJJPva_8ehERYDUwmFGUGruy5G68GQAZX5lVlqYHvO6S5Kal3YJOqSvUuVzTqpAuvUhhnqtjkjCmqVJ_d7oIv8_NMBp-hKVJ15TmhD-XHWtg/s1600/Mix+Diskerud.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwow4xkomUcWJx-EzzfrTgljFQuNS6angbJJPva_8ehERYDUwmFGUGruy5G68GQAZX5lVlqYHvO6S5Kal3YJOqSvUuVzTqpAuvUhhnqtjkjCmqVJ_d7oIv8_NMBp-hKVJ15TmhD-XHWtg/s1600/Mix+Diskerud.jpg" /></a></div>
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MIX DISKERUD: I thought this was a typo. This guy has an awesome name, like a DJ in a Scandinavian bondage club. THE NAME STAYS.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQnRHBr8lVzWHcUU4MhWW24JwrbPQOalE8gdeZvX49GPRSjpMOcXtI9JH35MPhDkXihSnwgYoD-bKRi1WJZdI_96RPpvovXH19Cke4y1gWfyQcwHNA7QbLT52qSsua-SxAR8Iq2v5zrx0/s1600/Nice+Kid+From+A+Few+Doors+Down+Who+Helps+Women+Move.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQnRHBr8lVzWHcUU4MhWW24JwrbPQOalE8gdeZvX49GPRSjpMOcXtI9JH35MPhDkXihSnwgYoD-bKRi1WJZdI_96RPpvovXH19Cke4y1gWfyQcwHNA7QbLT52qSsua-SxAR8Iq2v5zrx0/s1600/Nice+Kid+From+A+Few+Doors+Down+Who+Helps+Women+Move.jpg" /></a></div>
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NICE KID FROM A FEW DOORS DOWN THAT HELPS WOMEN MOVE BUT DOESN'T ASK THEM OUT</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisOHQr3KqCPJDe8VgyvxUH4kguTPQwLiM1_wgqqXtZILocj-cAnCFzDTJW_bpeHbwtKfrulVMBcoV-ODDe7lzlyJStK43PqZll5QoCUCsvkd7KgtlT8h7S4jXpdhrHqGvue9gP2m0HNyc/s1600/Russian+Henchman+%234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisOHQr3KqCPJDe8VgyvxUH4kguTPQwLiM1_wgqqXtZILocj-cAnCFzDTJW_bpeHbwtKfrulVMBcoV-ODDe7lzlyJStK43PqZll5QoCUCsvkd7KgtlT8h7S4jXpdhrHqGvue9gP2m0HNyc/s1600/Russian+Henchman+%234.jpg" /></a></div>
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RUSSIAN HENCHMAN #4</div>
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RYAN FROM THE O.C.</div>
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RACIST JESSE PINKMAN</div>
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SKINNY JONAH HILL</div>
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SPORTSCASTER IN IOWA</div>
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<a href="http://youtu.be/XtW6HW8jO_U?t=13s">STITCHES</a> WITHOUT THE TATTOOS</div>
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THE BEEZ: I even Googled, "What does Michael Beasley look like?" so there ya go.</div>
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ALIBI FOR TIGER WOODS: All of his troubles (all 100 million of them) could have been avoided by hiring this dude.</div>
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TODD: You all know <a href="http://youtu.be/N9Vt8xswlbc?t=1m23s">gangsta Todd</a></div>
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TOMMY DAVIDSON </div>
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WILLEM DAFOE</div>
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YANK PELE'</div>
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ZACH BRAFF</div>
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Now, you're an official fan of the Outlaws! It's a shame we can't hire BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER ... He has the coolest name in all of sports. His last name literally means Pig Killer and this photo of him makes him look cuh-ray-zee:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ykj__gqLwRTMmo_WS-cMzuT7U3muUNmFycuKtJmUuN1AsJsgGN7k1HlzbkqgNqQtSPTdpWhtt7qdAc3lk4zLsSnt93udJBJ9zjL8HNaoV3E4h9nKvJr5Q7hyphenhyphenYH0Z5XwjI4_VKhWDKYQ/s1600/Bastian-Schweinsteiger_7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ykj__gqLwRTMmo_WS-cMzuT7U3muUNmFycuKtJmUuN1AsJsgGN7k1HlzbkqgNqQtSPTdpWhtt7qdAc3lk4zLsSnt93udJBJ9zjL8HNaoV3E4h9nKvJr5Q7hyphenhyphenYH0Z5XwjI4_VKhWDKYQ/s1600/Bastian-Schweinsteiger_7.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-121179494292340752014-04-10T12:52:00.001+09:002014-04-10T12:52:51.249+09:00MB Is On Hiatus<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/X6tKZ-cg4RI" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-14100800285460634422013-12-11T20:33:00.001+09:002013-12-11T20:34:23.965+09:00So You're Dead & Out of the Playoffs<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/SE2vYYXVB10" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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That doesn't mean your life is over ... You're just dead to your bank account. You'll never win any monies from the rest of us because it all belongs to me.<br />
Let this be a reminder to all of you to get your affairs in order before you get your ticket punched. Good luck to everyone else.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-28043138354154747602013-09-17T21:52:00.001+09:002013-09-17T21:52:41.214+09:00THE DOLPHINS ARE TWO AND OHHHHHHH<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/YViQ3gVAUg8" width="459"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-2750751819162648432013-08-13T03:21:00.004+09:002013-08-13T03:21:27.933+09:00My 2013 Team Name Poll Is Finally Here!Welcome back to Magnificent Bastards! I missed you guys. IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON AGAIN! That means it's time to help name my Fantasy Team! I've spent weeks carrying around a dog-eared legal pad jotting down hundreds of names to choose from. For your appreciation, gentle reader, I've whittled it down to a few to choose from. Will you help me name my soon-to-be victorious squad of avenging super-humans?<br />
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[a single lonely cricket chirps]<br />
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That's what I thought. Here we go.<br />
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<b>Pork Bullets</b> I found out about a real product made and promoted by 'Muricans that infuses the essence of pork into bullets. This ammunition can then be fired into living Islamic Jihadists so that they can become dead Islamic Jihadists. "Put some HAM in MuHAMmed." I see what they did there.<br />
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Speaking of pork products...<br />
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<b>Piggy Poop Balls</b> is one of the most glorious internet memes of all time, but it went largely unnoticed because it's really just gross. I could think of no more disgusting icon and/or mascot for my team. The story emerged this year, but the photo has been around since 2011. From <a href="http://gawker.com/5990199/the-story-behind-the-internets-most-famous-photo-of-a-pig-pooping-on-its-own-balls">Gawker:</a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 22px;">My friends and I had just noticed him and were all looking at his gargantuan balls for no more than 3 seconds when all of a sudden he poops out this huge turd. It fell out his ass, onto his balls and sat on top of them for about 30 seconds before slowly sliding off. I think he made it fall off by taking a couple steps.</span></blockquote>
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<b>Nap Nips</b> is a reverse of last year's fourth place team, the Nip Naps. It's Jen and I's pet name for nipples. The insult is two-fold: it forces our grating terms of endearment on others, and gives me an excuse to show my pink nipple in a photo every time my opponent logs in. BONUS: I love Naps.<br />
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<b>BIG FUCKIN' TITS</b> It falls out of the mouth just right.<br />
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<b>Cornados</b> Jen and I were inspired after all the <i>Sharknado</i> business. We didn't screen the movie, but we both agreed that an F5 tornado going through a cornfield would be as deadly as it is awesome. DEATH BY MAIZE.<br />
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<b>TactleNecks</b> This is Sterling Archer's favorite garment. Since Jen and I are HUGE fans of the Secret Agent and his lover/rival Lana Kane, it seems like a good fit. It's really more of a regurgitated thing I like to shout out because I'm a retarded parrot who blurts out non sequiturs at every turn.<br />
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Leave your vote for my team in the comments. I have two teams again this year, so give me a runner-up. If you think you can do better, name your shitty squad and one-up me, ya one-upper.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-28489915442157041912013-06-14T00:25:00.001+09:002013-06-14T00:26:57.762+09:00The Best of Rafi: EL QUINADO<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XHhhNme8t_w" width="480"></iframe><br />
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About 2:00 into this masterpiece supercut, I realized that in our leagues, I'm Rafi ... except I don't have dark grey patches all over my skin and I'm better looking.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-67972585391285721522013-05-09T20:23:00.004+09:002013-05-09T20:23:42.252+09:00Next On Extreme Makeover Home Edition...We give the Weissberger family the fire feature that will roast every marshmallow in their town!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TEjoga1yrn0?rel=0" width="480"></iframe><br />
This is actually a sinkhole in (wait for it...) Russia. It caved in when geologists there wanted to suck some gas out of the Earth. It took the rig with it, then their wacky mad scientists decided to burn off the gasses. It's been burning since 1971.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-31459529413124736942013-03-12T12:03:00.001+09:002013-03-12T12:04:56.544+09:00Offseason Eye Bang Monday!For our first installment, here's some oiled-up models teaching us the rules of something called rugby. From now on, I'll get a little aroused every time I hear the word <i>scrum. </i>Not like before.
<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gZW9BIQwRTM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-7823000177181700652013-02-14T03:26:00.001+09:002013-02-14T03:26:30.172+09:00In Other News...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/m-SKjtkHy78" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-10465475644309433992012-10-23T02:57:00.001+09:002012-10-23T02:57:03.958+09:00Some Chick Showed Up With Fassbender<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gRskCR3nk3I?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-41603796352517116582012-10-16T01:07:00.001+09:002012-10-16T01:07:16.285+09:00Ladies: Meet RG3<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fabdeRL-hEs?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-10362578651352860482012-10-10T06:51:00.001+09:002012-10-10T06:51:36.213+09:00F%&* Cleveland Night!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/PNfAtHM4Ktk?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-35421493118043977382012-09-03T22:00:00.001+09:002012-09-03T22:00:27.790+09:00O.J. SIMPSON: MAGICAL PERSONALITY<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-wHv4ZFGesI?fs=1" width="459"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-39919142692283037112012-08-28T02:53:00.000+09:002012-08-29T00:24:44.683+09:00You Can Add Published* Blogger To My Name NowLast Friday, I was having a shitty day. I was informed by my instructors at school that I have to pay for some bullshit online test just so my school can satisfy it's accreditations. It seems as though too few of our dipshit students aren't passing the state boards the first time, so now I have to get online, pay like $30 and answer questions with a shit ton of mouse clicks. Makes sense.<br />
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But later, I clicked on <b><a href="http://deadspin.com/5936988/why-your-team-sucks-2012-miami-dolphins">Deadspin</a></b> and read Drew's column about our beloved Miami Dolphins. He asked readers to send in their complaints about their favorite teams, and damned if your humble author wasn't the first one up! Here's my email to Drew before he snipped some out and made it less shitty:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I don't believe in luck, but the 'Phins are a monstrous demonstration of horrible luck. We're relieved to know that our management deserves everything it created. Every two seasons or so, Miami trades away some practice squad hustler or third string overachiever to the Jets or Pats <i>for next to nothing,</i> only to have that fucker gleefully shred our penises in a meat grinder. Down here, we call it the Welker curse. It's like Ray Finkel's revenge, only all too real to us.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">If OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony had a baby, that kid would be a more popular Floridian than Jeff Ireland.</span>
</blockquote>
Needless to say, this really turned my day around. I wanted to celebrate with song, so here's a track from NBC's coverage of the closing ceremonies in London. Eric Idle did a great little number, and they only had to blurp out the word <i>'shit.' </i>The whole thing was a gem of quality in an otherwise headscratcher of a production.<br />
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I hope all of you have a wonderful day! This time, I mean it.<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/nlTfNqG-Bow" width="640"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-77040029839856760742012-08-20T00:58:00.002+09:002012-08-20T21:39:49.833+09:00Your 2012 CFL Fantasy Football Naming GuideLast season proved yet again to be fruitless for me and my team, the Magnitudes. "Pop! Pop!" indeed. The only joy I can gleam from fantasy football at all, EVER is the naming process. I've crafted this list and musings on each to reflect my zest for life and vent in all caps.<br />
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<b>Sunshine In Spandex</b> Jen and I read this in an ESPN mag piece on Victor Cruz. It's a positive twist on naming your team, given the rest of this list is either lame attempts at humor or obscenity-laced current event observations.<br />
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<b>Nip Naps</b> For about a year now, I've fantasized about using a close-up picture of my nipple as my icon. That way, even if my opponent defeats me, AND THEY WILL DEFEAT ME, at least they had to look at my nipple. The right one is named <b>Bane</b> (duh) and I call the left<b> Benedict Cumberbatch.</b><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ499w-WUXL4l-6SxcLNtJsr6lMlu48eqabR7k_3hRkZdllZqWl" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ499w-WUXL4l-6SxcLNtJsr6lMlu48eqabR7k_3hRkZdllZqWl" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fashionable neck wear = serious actor</td></tr>
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<b>Ten Peter Dinkledges</b> From my masterpiece, inspired by Drew's post. A lovely piece of photoshopping. On the down side, I may run out of midget jokes by week 7.<br />
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<b>Fearections</b> This is a workaholics <a href="http://workaholics.tumblr.com/post/7139772890/wordaholics-fearection">reference.</a> If you haven't already, do your homework and watch this joy of a show.<br />
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<b>JoePa's Tummy Stix</b> This is topical part of the show! Since JoePa was a sponsor of Jerry Sandusky's junior mentoring activities, he takes ownership of this team. Here's a fun gag: try whispering, "let's play tummy sticks," to strangers on a crowded elevator and just sit back and watch the laughs roll in.<br />
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<b>Pussy Riot</b> These Russian fame-hounds have a feminist punk band. It's called Pussy Riot. They're known for wearing pastel-colored ski masks. One time, they sang one of their crappy songs in a cathedral. The Russian government called it a hate crime and they got 2 years in the gulag. The other day, one of their supporters <a href="http://gawker.com/5935685/topless-femen-activist-takes-down-giant-cross-with-chainsaw-to-protest-pussy-riot-verdict-[nsfw]">took a chainsaw to a giant crucifix.</a> Oh, she also did it topless. I felt the same way when they locked up Martin Lawrence.<br />
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<b>Chick-Fell-Ate</b> More current events! And dick jokes!<br />
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<b>Morning After Bills</b> This pretty much encapsulates my fantasy career: inebriation, followed by poor decisions, then regret. AWFUL, SHAMEFUL REGRET.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XIKPA-4u4BU" width="640"></iframe>
REMEMBER: this year, we have big George crafting us a wooden trophy. Get ready for draft day!<br />
<br />Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-42918011937081134212012-06-17T03:04:00.001+09:002012-06-17T03:04:08.039+09:00My Masterpiece: 10 Peter Dinkledges<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It should not surprise you that I read <strong><a href="https://twitter.com/#!/drewmagary">Drew Magary</a></strong> and get inspired. Actually, he's the main reason I started this inside joke of a blog. Well, that and I was unemployed at the time. It takes something truly remarkable for me to get inspired. If the ghost of Thomas Jefferson rode past me on a rhino whilst brandishing a flamethrower, I'd snort and mutter something snarky like, "that's derivative."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few weeks ago I read one of Drew's regular columns where he answers reader mail. I'll sum up a particularly striking scenario that a reader sent in:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b style="font-family: Georgia;">You're returning kicks. Your team: ten Verne Troyers. Do I have your attention yet? Your opponents are 10 Muhammad Alis and one Cassius Clay. It's a rule that <em>hay day Clay</em> can punch you. How many times could you score?</b>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Drew figures that the Alis and Troyers would be "about as effective as traffic cones out there." </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">He goes on to paint a wonderful picture for us:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b style="font-family: Georgia;">If we were talking about 10 Peter Dinklages, it's a whole other story. But these are 10 Verne Troyers. They're the size of babies. They can barely walk. Young Ali would be able to shake them off as easily as you could shake off the Old Alis. Then it's a matter of one-on-one, with Cassius Clay catching you, and then ... PAIN. No chance in hell. A hundred times out of a hundred, you end up dead.</b>
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So being a fan of Drew's, football and Peter fucking Dinkledge, I worked up this little photoshop of my fantasy Dinkledge team, the Orlando Orifices. I imagine us doing battle with all sorts of villains, mythical beasts, or even labradoodle dogsled teams.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3HEABexN8d6KNDUgKy7LIq2vmIBj1ldu0ZcpSAovBCzeMk7Ba9SC_huYViJZKfcYwLTFdBQ_vyh-irtXVpUaZbZfn_x4IRU4ZWcxfYLYP2nH2O9HXpviij2tUVzL0dO7gggPlDhqY10I/s1600/10PETERS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="433" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3HEABexN8d6KNDUgKy7LIq2vmIBj1ldu0ZcpSAovBCzeMk7Ba9SC_huYViJZKfcYwLTFdBQ_vyh-irtXVpUaZbZfn_x4IRU4ZWcxfYLYP2nH2O9HXpviij2tUVzL0dO7gggPlDhqY10I/s640/10PETERS.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your shins are FUCKED.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Front row, from left to right:</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My lead blocker, <strong>Lord Tyrion Lannister.</strong> It's a challenge to coax this little firecracker out from under a pile of whores. One winter, we were facing elimination against 11 Russian Bears on unicycles. I insisted his whores soak their undergarments in Siracha before entering his tent. About three whores deep, his little mushroom cap was burning like a Hawaiian volcano. After a flew flagons of wine, he was ready to play. A Lannister always pays his debts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><strong>Mr. President</strong> is a great leader on the field. He's the kind of executive I want in the White House: the kind of midget that would roll up his sleeves and get to work. Other Presidents (ahem) spend all their time slow-jamming the news or having their picture taken with Betty White. Sometimes, they'll give the order to eliminate mass-murdering terrorists. Not often enough, if you ask <i>me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">That's your humble <strong><a href="https://twitter.com/#!/JPriceOrlando">author</a>.<span id="goog_1541642731"></span><span id="goog_1541642727"></span></strong> My shirt lends a little bit of legitimacy to my craft: it says <em>Football</em>, you see. I flexed so hard for this picture that I peed a little.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This is Trumpkin from one of the Narnia movies. I never liked that name, so I just call him <strong>Chronic</strong> ... you know, from <a href="http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/chronicles-of-narnia-lazy-sunday/2921"><strong>this.</strong></a> Every time he lays a big hit on some unsuspecting opponent he's all like, "SNACK ATTACK, MUTHA FUCKA!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This is Peter from some chintzy men's magazine. It's cool, because he's from the island of Europe. I call him the <strong>Totem Pole.</strong> When the ball is in the air, he goes all out. If an opponent runs toward him though, he plays fucking <i>statue.</i> This confuses some teams. I once saw a zombie on meth shamble up to him, and hesitate long enough for me to de-cleat that fucker with a vicious helmet-to-helmet collision. <i>BEWSH!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Back row:</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Here's <strong>Peter with his Emmy.</strong> For some reason, the officials let him use that 28-lb. hunk of brass as a club. He once brought down an orangutan mounted on a feral cheetah with a single swipe of that bitch. After the ref blew the whistle, he savagely beat both of them to death with the blunt end. The Emmy remains remarkably free of dents.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Here's my man <strong>Dumbledoore.</strong> Don't let his friendly expression lull you into a false sense of confidence. He can use that fashionable scarf like a whip and then garot your shit with it. He finishes with a little flourish like he's a wizard with a wand. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><strong>Mr. Miles Finch</strong> is the short-fused executive from Will Ferrell's Elf. He specializes in hostile takeovers. *fist bumps self</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><strong>Dildo Baggins</strong> and his dog <b>Kevin</b> regularly devastate the battlefield with their signature move: the '<i>Go Fetch.</i>' He throws a Scooby Doo chew toy at an opponent and Kevin comes back with his balls in his maw.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This is Peter as <strong>Rowlie</strong> in 2005's <em>Lassie.</em> He thought it might be a good idea to dress as a gypsy street urchin and put a pair of chickens on his top hat. That would lure opponents into thinking he was a pussy. This is false. I once saw him debone an ostrich right out from under the mounted, fully armored sloth rider. It was horrifying ... and effective.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Here's <strong>Maximillian.</strong> He's a sneaky little fucker: that's not a puffy jacket. It's actually a utility vest full of grenades.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So here's a fun drinking game: All you shitheads gather 'round in a circle and take turns chanting, "10 PETER DINKLEDGES!" three times in a row. If you flub the line, take a drink. Repeat until faced, or until something good comes on cable.</span>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-75398306742204064832012-04-21T23:15:00.000+09:002012-04-21T23:20:32.110+09:00Offseason Factfinding Junket: Sanford, FLLast night, the Special Lady and I revisited Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's ode to all silly action films: <strong><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0425112/">Hot Fuzz</a></strong>. Here's the synopsis from IMDB:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<em>Jealous colleagues conspire to get a top London cop transferred to a small town and paired with a witless new partner. On the beat, the pair stumble upon a series of suspicious accidents and events.</em></blockquote>
The 2007 film is set in the village of <strong>Sandford.</strong> The townspeople there are obsessed with winning The Village of the Year Award, which is obviously a big to-do and worth murdering all the gypsies, street performers and punk asses that roam the streets.<br />
<br /><strong>Sanford, Florida</strong> is a real-life place where the police allowed some jackass to follow a kid around and shoot him dead. Then, they waited a month to arrest and charge him with some shit that will never stick. The following is a list of comparisons ... some of which may SHOCK AND SURPRISE YOU.*<br />
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<a href="http://i.neoseeker.com/screenshots/TW92aWVzL0NvbWVkeQ==/hot_fuzz_image21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://i.neoseeker.com/screenshots/TW92aWVzL0NvbWVkeQ==/hot_fuzz_image21.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*None of this will shock you. It might actually annoy you.</span></div>
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The city of Sanford's official slogan is: "Sanford. Great History. Great City." That sounds as if it was created by the Bartles & Jaymes guys; muttering under their yellowy-grey mustaches while they fan themselves with newspapers. What a bunch of fucking assholes.<br />
<br />Hot Fuzz's Village of Sandford's motto is "A Community that Cares." So, an awkward British twat can come up with a better slogan than a dozen fuckhead sod farmers serving on the Chamber of Commerce. God bless America.<br />
<br />In Hot Fuzz, a secret society of druid-like old farts rule the village of Sandford. They call themselves the Neighborhood Watch Association (N.W.A. for short). These ancient crustaceans sit at a round table and plan their evil deeds. Simon Pegg's character learns of their plans and teams up with his obese beaver partner to take take them down. Along the way, they lampoon some well-known action movies: including Bad Boys and Point Break. One of the enemies of the N.W.A. are the hoodies, pictured here outside the pub:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tTQD6HcmPw4/RyTs3_UP8RI/AAAAAAAAMmM/N2Y5BGlT9qI/s592/wmplayer+2007-07-11+18-35-59-98.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tTQD6HcmPw4/RyTs3_UP8RI/AAAAAAAAMmM/N2Y5BGlT9qI/s320/wmplayer+2007-07-11+18-35-59-98.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />The hoodies don't really do anything except sit around and do their <a href="http://assassinscreed.uk.ubi.com/assassins-creed-1/experience/">Assassin's Creed</a> impressions. There is a moment when they help out our hero by spray painting some things. They also bum rush a sniper. All things considered, they're a pretty good bunch of kids.<br />
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In Sanford, people wear hoodies in solidarity with Treyvon Martin, the kid who was murdered by George Zimmerman because he was black and he wore a hoodie. He was also carrying a Brisk tea and some Skittles.<br />
<br />In the film, almost everyone in the Village of Sandford has a name that reveals their profession. Nicholas Angel is the by-the-book cop. The newspaper guy is Tim Messenger. The appliance salesman is George Merchant. You get the idea.<br />
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According to <strong><a href="http://wiki.name.com/en/Zimmerman">wikiname,</a></strong> George Zimmerman's surname tells us that he's a lumberjack. My knowledge of woodsmen comes from a rather famous musical cross-dressing Monty Python sketch and those bad ass chainsaw races on ESPN (Coming up next: THE HOT SAWS!). If that's not some top-notch investigative journalism, then I don't know what is.<br />
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HEY Y'ALL! Be sure to load up the wagon and come on out to Sanford's Better Neighborhood Better Life 2012 Community <a href="http://www.sanfordchamber.com/calendar/view/447/166.html">Expo</a> this weekend. No word on whether or not you can bring your licensed concealed firearm. I'm sure it's totally cool, though. Remember to keep a round chambered, and if you see something, SAY SOMETHING!<br />
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Just kidding. Shoot their ass.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-68302255230799732132012-03-24T00:57:00.000+09:002012-03-24T00:57:36.431+09:00The Award For Worst Offseason Ever Goes To...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLeb-Cm7NFj5SyFjMyeCOXFjPbbMLfR5zSEgmpJC_m5zqSBHmvrv15Fo3AmTl_5Q3RCG7G3gc3laUtdqYzLCskAWDjAguS1KDbQu4U84m0-H3G5MN05VUMPKxG5SBvhaaZq3riqb6MX38/s1600/Morgan-Freeman-and-a-dolphin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLeb-Cm7NFj5SyFjMyeCOXFjPbbMLfR5zSEgmpJC_m5zqSBHmvrv15Fo3AmTl_5Q3RCG7G3gc3laUtdqYzLCskAWDjAguS1KDbQu4U84m0-H3G5MN05VUMPKxG5SBvhaaZq3riqb6MX38/s320/Morgan-Freeman-and-a-dolphin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This year's Dipshit Award is bestowed on our beloved and awful Miami Dolphins a little early this year, on account of them shitting the bed on the whole Peyton/Tebow/All Around Fuckheadedness. Don't believe me? Ask Morgan Freeman himself:<br />
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COOL PANTYHOSE, BRO.
</div>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-36631282759226409872012-02-04T00:43:00.003+09:002012-02-04T00:56:04.169+09:00Something Super Bowl Something<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ology.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/post-image/tom-brady-ugg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://ology.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/post-image/tom-brady-ugg.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">Cross a palsy-adled giraffe and a gay Ryan Gosling. Ladies and gentlemen: Tom Brady.</span></em></div>
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It took me quite a while to recover from Bill Belichick's treachery a couple a weeks ago. The Patriots kicked the shit out of Tim Tebow and the Broncos. To add to the misery, we were watching this unfold at a bar that didn't serve hard alcohol. I KNOW, RIGHT? Speaking of misery, I'll be paying the winners in the next couple of days. You know who you are. No need to shit on my weekend.<br />
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Back to <strong>DEN/NE</strong>: By the third quarter, I was just praying to the Gods of Injury and Disability to smite Tom Brady's knees. My prayers went unanswered because they were not appeased: my girlfriend Jennifer had forsaken all decency and fashion; sporting Ugg boots. Weeks later, I'm still giving her the hairy eyeball whenever Tim Tebow is mentioned. Needless to say, this is nearly every day and I have been driven insane with rage.<br />
Thankfully, I found this German guy that attempts to explain American phrases. Take it away, Flula!<br />
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<br />This is a betrayal that rivals <strong>Jodie Foster's.</strong> First, she does a <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1321860/">movie</a> with Mel Gibson and lies to the audience: she never even flashes a boob! Then, she does a <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1692486/">movie</a> with convicted rapist/pederast Roman Polanski. That's like a 21 year-old Mike Tyson singing a duet with Tori Amos: it just shouldn't happen. IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, JODIE.<br />
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Preparations have begun for <strong>Cruz day,</strong> also known as the day <strong>the Giants win the fucking Super Bowl.</strong> February is black History month, but it's a leap year month that has an extra day. By my calculations, [fake taps random buttons] that makes it Latino History Month. What better way to celebrate than with New York Giants wideout Victor Cruz!?!? I don't know the final score of the game, but I do know the approximate number of Margaritas I will have:<br />
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<br />The answer is Salsa. Enjoy the games and get home safe.Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-12787511706266191762011-12-29T20:50:00.003+09:002012-01-14T03:39:00.549+09:00Tebow Be Praised! Merry Cribbsmas!<u>Disclaimer:</u> this post is heavily fortified with internal links. To maximize your reading experience, right click on the links and open in a new window. For Mac users, stick your thumb up your ass or do whatever.<br />
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<em>It frightens me that there's a topless pic out there of this woman.</em></div>
<br />At last the pain is over. The inaugural season of the <strong>Cooper Football League</strong> has come to an exciting (if you aren't me) conclusion, with Tara's 2.5 Mendenhall prevailing. Is it me or does a Charlie Sheen and/or Ashton Kutcher reference seem really dated now? I guess it was a longer season than I thought.<br />
<br /><strong><a href="http://deadspin.com/5872479/spelling-is-still-a-challenge-in-georgia">Geoff</a></strong>, an admitted 'waiver whore' was bested with the help of Josh Cribbs, who scampered for a shit ton of yards but never scored, and put up over 29 points to lock up the championship. Drew Brees turned in a season-low 28 points for her. We should all be so unlucky.<br />
<br />Speaking of unlucky, Geoff's <em>anti-Tebow</em> aka <strong>Tony Romo</strong> predictably got knocked out of the game versus the Eagles on the first play of the game. He would have had to put up roughly 52,000 points for him to overcome Tara's lead, but I don't deal in hypotheticals ... ONLY TRUTHINESS.<br />
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Oh, and Mrs. Tara Price (his name is <strong>Trey</strong>) got third place after beating ohwhogivesashit.<br />
<br />Last year, I attended a shitty cummunity college. They have computers set up all around campus throughout the hallways there. Any street urchin can come in and use their old college ID and access the tubes of knowledge. One day, I was checking my grades online and listening to music with headphones. This jackhole sitting next to me was watching music videos and listening to Ron Paul speeches. Suddenly, without warning, he began shouting, "YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!" Being a Florida native, I've learned to ignore crazy people. That way, they don't actually exist so you don't feel bad for letting them starve.<br />
<br />He then proceeded to laugh hysterically at other videos, disturbing my readings of all things internet-ty. I should also mention that this was a black kid of about twenty years old. Of all the strange people I've been annoyed by here in my home state, I never would have imagined a young, black Ron Paul asswipe with no manners would make me want to terminate. After a while, he turned to me:<br />
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<strong>HIM:</strong> Hey yo...<br />
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<strong>ME:</strong> [face twisted in mean scowl and ignoring with headphones on]<br />
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<strong>HIM:</strong> EXCUSE ME<br />
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<strong>ME:</strong> [deep sigh] Yeah?<br />
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<strong>HIM:</strong> Can I use your cell phone?<br />
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<strong>ME:</strong> Well, I'm sure they have pay phones here...<br />
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<strong>HIM:</strong> I'm calling a number in Dade county, and I don't have any money.<br />
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<strong>ME:</strong> No. Sorry.<br />
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He <em>tsked</em> a few times (loud enough so I could hear him) then left. I now realize that the actual swill spouted forth by ALL the candidates, pundits and undecided voters leading up to this year's election will be many, many times worse than any run-in with an unhinged PaulTard.<br />
<br />I don't have cable, you see. Between Netflix, YouTube and my intensive study time at the Regional Clown College, I'll be mostly spared these pricks elbowing each other to beat Obama. I wonder what the hell I'm going to do with all my time. So to help transition to the next season of the CFL, here's a few activities I hope to participate in:<br />
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<strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XabeUg1eiFg">Central Florida Warrior Dash</a></strong> That link is to a video of last year's event near UCF. Jen and I are doing it this year in celebration of her birthday. Unbeknownst to me, I registered myself without realizing that the conference championship games are that day. Looks like I'll miss most of the first game because I'll be chest-deep in worm feces, racoon urine and ringworms. Maybe <strong>Cake</strong> will perform at my get-well party.<br />
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<strong><a href="http://www.lebowskifest.com/PastFests/Orlando/tabid/213/Default.aspx">Lebowski Fest Orlando</a></strong> This is a celebration of all things Lebowski! Activities include a costume contest, appearances from the cast and music from the band <strong><a href="http://www.myspace.com/ihatethefkingeagles">The Fuckin' Eagles.</a></strong><br />
<br />Enjoying the new Van Halen album! Just kidding ... it sucks. Know what doesn't suck? The voice-only track of David Lee Roth on <em>Runnin' With the Devil.</em> It really speaks to me. I practice my job interview skills with <strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IArxakPsPE0&feature=youtu.be">this track</a></strong> turned up to eleven.<br />
<br />Smut shop sting operations! I've always wanted to do a bank job. <em>That's street language for rob a bank.</em> But if I couldn't do that, I'd work with the cops on a sting operation. I imagine my bladder emptying the second anything goes wrong, but the thrill could be bigger than any rush on the planet. I would need nerves of steel for this, but here goes:<br />
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This week, I ran out of model airplane glue, so I needed a distraction from all the fantasy football I wasn't engaged in. I've taken up a new hobby: hanging out in Wal-Marts and finger blasting all the packs of paper towels. Ever done this? IT WILL FREE YOUR SOUL. I like to lead with my index and bird fingers and totally violate all the plastic wrap over the cardboard towel tube. My career first-time finger blasting percentage (when the plastic is broken on the first blast) is .990! <br />
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Congratulations to our winners! <strong>Jennifer</strong> hemmed up fifth place by blowing out <strong>Glenn's</strong> <em>Hellions</em> by over 40 points. Glenn somehow managed to start Maurice Jones-Drew's <em>backup</em> instead of Benjarvus Green-Ellis (out of spite?). Geoff predictably handled Trey to move on (seriously: how did you make it this far?) and Tara mangled Josh with a little* help from Drew Brees. Jen's fifth place prize is the new dance game for XBOX Kinect: <strong>The Black Eyed Peas Experience!</strong> Click <strong><a href="http://blackeyedpeas-experience.ubi.com/black-eyed-peas/en-us/index.aspx">here</a></strong> to polish up your poppin' and/or your lockin'.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*a lot</span>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7974896204855002157.post-18217115625865385082011-12-12T09:47:00.001+09:002011-12-16T00:46:56.933+09:00Week 14: Playoffs Briefing/Tebow CommentaryPlease excuse the delay in posting this weeks' wrap-up. I'm still in the depths of a post-season ether binge and DADDY STILL NEEDS HIS MEDICINE. Anyway, on Sunday Jen passed on <strong>Joe Flacco</strong> for the emotional choice: <strong>Tim Tebow.</strong> Meanwhile, her romance with Mark Sanchez is over. They had a messy breakup: he later threw four touchdowns. Bummer.<br />After she confidently set her team, we nearly finished our masterpiece: a <em>Twilight: Breaking Dawn</em> diorama of Edward and Bella's consumation of marriage. IT. IS. HOT. Then, we set out to watch her stud, <strong>Maurice Jones-Drew</strong> scamper for 36 points against a ghastly pitiful Tampa Bay defense. The mighty MJD had two touches rushing and two more recieving, in part because Mercedes Lewis is a gash, but mostly because he's the Mighty MJD. Jennifer was in awe of his field presence:<br />
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<strong>JEN:</strong> [adorable squeeky voice] He's so little!<br />
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<strong>ME:</strong> Look at his legs, though.<br />
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<strong>JEN:</strong> [spits out Dr. Pepper] Whoa!<br />
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Meanwhile, our old nemesis <strong>Ted Ginn, Jr</strong> dropped 20 points on <strong>Tara's</strong> bench, as did my good buddy <strong>Shonn Greene.</strong> In fact, Tara's bench put up over 100 points. She was done early in her matchup vs. Jen's <em>Woopie Cakes</em>, and Jen took the lead during the late game before boyish fop Eli Manning drove his shitty squad down the field to score on the even shittier Cowboys. That score put up 37 points on Jen's banged up Dallas Defense, subtracting 2 points from Jen and winning the game for Tara by under 2 points. Trey tells us that Tara was yelling at the television, coaching Eli to checkdown the third reciever. That's precisely why we play this game: the interest we invest in every game that our players participate in is <em>real</em> and <em>ferocious.</em> This barely applies to me, dropping my final four games and finishing finishing last. I'm horrible at fantasy football.<br />
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Trey beat Glenn. [dismissive wanking motion] Jen is now matched with the Homestead Hellions for the fifth place game, in which there is probably no monetary reward.<br />
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HALFTIME! I present for your enjoyment ... <strong><a href="http://deadspin.com/5865635/fantasy-curling-is-a-real-thing-and-it-is-glorious">fantasy curling.</a> YOU'RE WELCOME, READERS.</strong><br />
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The first three quarters of the Denver/Chicago game were hard to watch. Tebow lost 2 fumbles, and his recievers couldn't catch dick through 3 quarters of painfully dull football. If you heard that Tebow's passing game wasn't on target and he looked like shit, YOU ARE WRONG. He did fine, but his recievers sucked donkey scrotum.<br />
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Marion Barber is the goat of the day AND RIGHTFULLY SO. He got a touchdown called back for me a couple of weeks ago and I sent him out some bad mojo for the duration of the game. He ran like a beast the entire game against Denver's stingy defense. Then in the fourth quarter WHEN GAMES ARE WON/LOST, he idiocically trots out of bounds to stop the clock, and promptly FUMBLES ON THE NEXT PLAY, allowing TebowTime to miracle together a comeback. The haters at KSK called Barber Tebow's enabler. They go on to bark that all of Tim's wins come by a field goal.<br />
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EXCUSE ME, DUMB SHITS. When did a <em>win</em> (or seven of them) by three points <em><strong>not</strong></em> become a win? Seems like some asshole is still stuck in his college days playing drunk Jenga with his 'bros. In college, your rankings suffer if you don't run up the score (see Spurrier, Steve). In the pros, A GROWN MAN'S GAME, your team can win by one point and it only means a better spot in the playoff picture.<br />
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Brian Urlacher, THE LOSING TEAM'S MIDDLE LINEBACKER called Tebow "a pretty good running back." Saint Timmy responded by saying earnestly, "That means a lot coming from a great competitor like him." I fucking love this guy, on and off the field. Liking Tim Tebow <em>just feels right;</em> like taking a shit without a shirt on. He's insulted by a guy who's number was <em>never</em> called during the game, a COMPLETE NON-FACTOR. He talks shit afterwards, and Tim Tebow kills him with kindness. Meanwhile, the hype (positive and negative) continues: My buddy Chad said, "<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase." Now, all he needs is a white girlfriend that doesn't sleep around with waiters.</span><br />
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I absolutely adore the blogosphere's vitriol for him. A KSK commenter put it best - "At this point we're all Frank Grimes to Tebow's Homer Simpson."<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dVcFjbI5DlA?rel=0" width="480"></iframe>Jeffrohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16982771432822085155noreply@blogger.com1