Monday, June 29

"I Have Something To Say!"

Greetings, gentle readers! If you're like me, during the offseason you silently cry alone in the garage every night and contemplate piercing your skull with a hot soldering iron just to end the suffering. What suffering, you ask? No, I'm not patiently awaiting Speidi's return to stardom; I'm talking about waiting for FOOTBALL.

This weekend, I did a few things that remind me of everybody's favorite pastime, if just to whet my unyielding appetite for our great sport. I had medium-rare lamb chops (blood, violence etc.), watched the Transformers movie (Megan Fox is nice substitute for gratuitus cheerleader shots) and saw a great comedy: Strangers With Candy (laughing at Jeff Garcia).

Anyway, I thought I might give you fair warning of an impending disaster: The Fan Expo at UFC 100 is next weekend. Sure, there's some great matchups...but if you or any loved one is within a 10-mile radius of the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas, you could become contaminated with douche. Normally a harmless feminine cleansing agent, douche can be lethal in large doses or when delivered by males aged 18-35 years.
Tens of thousands of UFC® and MMA fans from around the globe are expected to attend the premier, must-see event of the year—UFC® Fan Expo™ 2009–so they can celebrate their passion through the experience of exhibitions, fan-inspired special events and competitions, autograph signings, meet and greets with elite fighters, and demos of various fighting techniques – all held in conjunction with the UFC® 100 fighter weigh-ins and the UFC®100 live event.

We all know that mixed martial arts is an intense and worthy distraction from football. DO NOT DROP YOUR GUARD! These creatures come in may shapes and sizes, and knowing their traits and characteristics could help you avoid deadly contamination. Be on the lookout for gaudy Ed Hardy clothing, spiraling tribal tattoos and colorful belt selections.

His douchefist of Power is mighty and strong

And who will lead the mass of Axe Body Sprayed, gel-soaked jackasses in song? The answer may not surprise you:

Limp Bizkit's original lineup will make its first North American concert
appearance in eight years July 10 at House of Blues in Mandalay Bay
Resort in Las Vegas. The concert--which will help kick-off the festivities
surrounding the Ultimate Fighting Championship 100 Expo weekend--will be the
band's only performance in the US during its "Unicorns N' Rainbows" tour,
according to a press release.

Their first and only North American performance, huh? I thought for sure they would be playing to hundreds of bacon-y Canadians and Mexicans hopped up on model airplane glue, saving their pincer move of douche for the lower 48. Thank God for that. The press release also said they'd be signing autographs later that afternoon. No punchline needed.

Seriously, I havn't seen a more irrelevant act since Bob Hope performed at the Gator Growl. Sure, Chocolate Doughnuts And HotDog-Flavored Water was a great follow-up to their debut (sarcasm), but they havn't recorded anything since. I guess there is justice in this world! Recently, Fred Durst posted a picture of himself in full Michael Jackson regalia and commented on the shocking death of MJ. I'll spare you the pic because I love you, and I don't want to hurt you. Instead here's another pic of a hot chick with some douchebags courtesy of, (you guessed it) hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

The Four Horsemen of the Douchepocalypse

Author's Note: Like what you see? Want to see more? Want to contribute? Email me and we'll have a power lunch at Zaxby's on your tab (sorry - my expense account is tapped).

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