Magnificent Bastardess: Gabrielle Reece

(clumsily stumbles to the dias on drywall stilts)

Let's have a round of applause for our band, Gator Country! We're so glad the surviving members of Molly Hatchett could be here tonight with their new group. Sorry about the parking, folks...their vans are taking up all the handicapped spaces.
I'd like to welcome you all to Jacksonville for our first ever Magnificent Bastard-ess induction ceremony. The committee is so excited to give a woman this award for the first time. They havn't touched a woman since that time in 1997 when they brushed up against the cleaning lady in the elevator.

(slurps down entire Caiperina)

We're here to honor the great and towering Gabrielle Reece, known as Gabby to her friends. I call her Gabs late at night when I'm alone, but most fans know her as the most dominating force ever to come out of Guerothan, the Land of the Giants. Gabby was born to a modest fishwife and a fierce shaman-warrior. Local legend holds that her clan was known for hurling boulders at outsiders. The tribal elders gave her the name Ga'bach'menon, which means Hairy Bean Bag. As a girl, Gabby used her keen eye and remarkably developed physique to crush all potential mates with her thighs. Eventually, all warriors were killed, and Gabby's land was overrun by the Baltimore Ravens. Unfortunately, things got worse for her when she landed a job at MTV:



She's come a long way to be with us, tonight, folks! A long way indeed! She surfed the entire trip here, using her husband, legendary surfer Laird Hamilton as a platform. He was also the winner of 1995's Douchiest Name Award. So...there's that. Anyway, she was an athlete, a model, then athlete again. Let's see here...it says here you were in an episode of Arliss! Bravo! And more recently a guest on the Tyra Banks show! Outstanding! What's Tyra really like? Never mind, never mind...tell me after the ceremony! Gabs, come on up here and say a few words!

(stumbles, Gabby catches him, fireman-carries him to safety)

GABBY: Whoa there, buddy! A few too many, huh? I think the kids' table in the back of the room is having some hot tea that can help you out with that. Well, I'd like to thank the Magnificent Bastards for having me tonight. Everyone has been so great. You all remind me of a camp counselor I had back when I was growing up in the Virgin Islands. The touchy-feely one. Seriously, if another one of you shifty pervs shows me your alf nose, I'm going to twist it off and feed it to my iguana, Boutros-Boutros Gali. Fuck all y'all! GO NOLES!

Awwww hell naw! She's a gaddam Seminole? BERTHOLD! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

CONFIDENTIAL AUDIO TRANSCRIPT OF INTER-DEPARTMENT MEETING

Robert F. Gates

Secretary of Defense

So here's something to alarm all you lovers of freedom: the Chinese have finally figured it all out. They have combined two of the most powerful substances known to all sports fans. No, dipshit...not nuclear power and noodles. The Chinese have had nukes for about 50 years now and they essentially invented noodles before our own Natives were jacking off in their sweat lodges.

(in Cliff Claven from Cheers voice)

It's a little known fact that together, asian women and cheerleaders control three fifths of the global sports market. How is it kept such a secret? Use your head, asspipes...THEY'RE ASIAN. NINJAS! HELLO!?!

Cheerleaders have had a genetic positioning program in place for well over 100 years now, and they continue to dominate positions of power within wealthy nations. If you were to ask our President, "who's got spirit?" That motherfucker would jump up and down and spell that shit out for you, "WE'VE GOT SPIRIT!"

I've prepared a little PowerPoint presentation for you all to take a look at. Lights, please. OK, Randy, how do I start the sound? Is it Alt-S? God Damnit, why didn't you set up the hot-keys like I asked? Oh, here it is...

(theme from Rush Hour 2 plays)

At last, these two conglomerates of sexual command have come together to form the most hypnotizing, entertaining and boner-producing force to walk the Earth:
The Chinese have combined with cheerleaders to form...PURE ASIAN CHEERLEADERS! This image was captured by a spy that is now dead. It was taken with an ultra-high-speed camera that was ironically manufactured in China. It cost taxpayers four trillion dollars, but it was worth it: now we know how fast they can spin with a little folded fan in their hands. The answer: pretty fuckin' fast.

This image presents us with many, many mysteries. Perhaps most obvious is that it seems to dispell the myth about Chinese uniformity. Their hairstyles...different! Yet their bone structures...so similiar! But among the most disturbing is their apparent sluttiness. And when I say disturbing, I mean that I have to re-adjust my package every time I stare at this picture.

OK, I think it's about time for a 10-minute break, right? Yes, good then. EVERYBODY OUT! Candace, hold all my calls, mmmkay?

I Got Nothing

Get Ya Grub On

We're having a (pseudo) family dinner at my crib on Sunday. You're all invited. Bring booze. On second thought, better just leave it by the door. We only have room for 7.
Presenting the menu:
Baked Ziti with fresh cilantro
Garlic bread with scallops and alfredo sauce (like the Olive Garden!)
Some kooky fu-fu salad guaranteed to make you lie about enjoying it
Pieces of Ritz Crackers
Did I mention booze?
Anyway, it got me thinking about animals I'd like to masticate. That means EAT! Get yer minds out of the gutter! Nothing would satisfy my increasingly adventurous palate more than gnawing off a piece of creature I've never eaten before.

~ Grilled Platypus with Carmelized Onions
Word on the street is, if you dice the bill just so and sprinkle it over the tender haunches of this retarded cousin of the beaver, THAT SHIT WILL GET YOU HIGH, SON! Just remember to say to yourself, over and over, "I'm in a safe place."

~ Seared Dodo Bird over Asparagus
Yeah, I know it's extinct...outside of a lab! Dr. Mephisto from South Park has made a whole flock of them...complete with FOUR ASSES! Mmmm I likes me some dark meat. Annihilating a species never tasted so juicy. Annoying Australian accent not recommended.

~ Broiled Neck of Giraffe with Pad Thai Noodles
Those long-necked pricks have had it coming for decades now. They're basically cows that survived a hangman's noose. Why Pad Thai noodles, you ask? Simple: Africa doesn't have any decent side dishes. YOU JUST CAN'T SERVE JUICY BROILED GIRAFFE WITH DIRT STUFFING. Make sure and deploy the industrial-sized oven for the lengthy filets. Also, girraffe neck makes a great filling for party-sized sub sandwiches the next day!

~ Wooly Mammoth Tartar with Mango Chutney
Cloned in some vacant garage in exotic Greenland. Babar's slow, hairy uncle has been itching to become dinner since he started trampling our ancestors to death around 40,000BC. Seriously, where do these motherfuckers get off having 3-inch thick hide so our spearheads do little more than give them a rash? Here's a fun activity: after you have subdued thair stank asses, cut off their trunks and shove them up their asses. Then take pictures to humiliate them.

~ Smoked Florida Manatee with Garlic Mashed Potatoes
The other day, I saw a documentary on Florida's natural springs, shot right here in my backyard! Them shits made my mouth water just watching them! Friends, I have realized my new dream: to open a creek-side bistro called El Jefe's.
First, you would choose the beast you wanted, just like at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster and shit. Then, the animal is hoisted onto a enormous cutting board, where it's promptly butchered alive by ME with a 37" McCullough chainsaw. After the feast, I give my used apron to the firstborn, as is their right and priveledge.

Then, the choice cuts (snout, fins and tenderloins) are hung in the smoker to be dried to perfection while you, the customer gets wasted on jumbo Grand Marnier Margaritas!
If you're like me, your tastebuds are very horny right now. Give me some menu suggesstions and recieve a coupon for A FREE BODY MASSAGE while you wind down in a dockside hammock! After all, it's important to satisfy the itis after a good meal. Bon Appetit!

Magnificent Bastard: Arturo Gatti

(spits out Sambuca shooter)

(stares at picture above podium)

Holy Ghost of Jersey Joe Wolcott! Who ran over JC Van Damm? Oh, 'scuse me...that's our honored guest. Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to scenic Jersey City! Give it up for our house band: Great White! We've talked it over with our lawyers and we can assure everyone that no pyrotechnics will be used in tonight's show. Also, the fire exits are clearly marked and unlocked.

We're here to induct Arturo Gatti into the Magnificent Bastards Hall of Fame. The fighter they call "Thunder" was an easy choice for our fledgling Hall of Heroes, as Arturo participated in Ring Magazine's Fight of the Year four times. By "participate" I mean "got his faced turned into human tartar."

But we're not here to celebrate his defeats. We're here to relish in his victories. Who can forget that time when you devestated Joey Gamache's very soul? I'll tell ya who can forget...


Arturo Gatti vs. Joey Gamache - February 26th 2000
Uploaded by sostibo

JOEY FUCKIN' GAMACHE, that's who! He was in a coma for 24 hours after you whooped that ass! They call him Jell-O Joey now, 'cuz that's all the fucker can eat.

We all know about the weight that you gained before the fight. By the time the opening bell rang, you had him by almost 20 pounds! No one has seen that much weight gain since they started measuring James Toney's gigantic skull! They changed the weigh-in rules after that, the fascists. Not everyone can say they have a rule named after them, bro. Salud!

(shoots another Sambuca)

Hey, Lisa! Another one of these Italian Viagras, please! Seriously, who do I have to whack to get a drink around here?

(shuffles notes)

Ok, where was I? Oh, yeah. Boxing. They call it "The Manly Art of Self-Defense." Well, as everyone knows, Arturo redefined that meaning. After his thrilling trilogy with Mickey Ward, we started calling it "The Gatti Art of Kicking Ass." No one has seen an Irishman take blows to the head like that since Michael Collins! I kid Mickey Ward...but his head hurt so bad that his brother tried everything to make him feel better. Except a hit from his crack pipe. He never shares that shit.

(crowd cheers, screams in Italian)

Back to your seats, ya buncha spaghetti-slurping grease stains! We gotta hurry this thing up. Bon Jovi is playing a Democratic fundraiser next door and I know you morons don't wanna miss that shit.

Arturo "Thunder" Gatti, everyone! Come on up here, you senile Magnificent Bastard!

(playfully punches Gatti on arm)

(Gatti knocks his shit out)

ARTURO: It's great to be here at the new Jim Garcetti Chevrolet in Trenton where we're celebrating knock-out savings on new and pre-owned cars. After I ring this bell, the summer sales event will start!

(clinks champagne glass with spoon, raises fists)

(Great White plays Rock Me)

Mid-Summer Training Camp Debriefing

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE PAKISTAN-AFGHAN BORDER
Good Morning, martyrs of jihad! Some of you already know me, but for those that don't, my name is Ali and I'm your camp counselor for the summer session. IS EVERYONE SUPER-PSYCHED TO BE HERE TODAY?!?!?!
(cough)
(very thirsty cricket chirps)
Ok...Well, listen up, everybody. We have a kind of a relaxed day here. I'm giving you all a little rest this Friday. The grenade toss is about the only thing going on later.
Anyway, some news: The great Satan's economy continues to suffer, with American dogs paying over $4.00 a gallon for their gas. You can all delight in the suffering of George Bush's people. We have learned that most Americans will be staying home to cook their filthy, fatty food and drink their demon piss alcoholic beverages. This is a great victory for us!
The clinic is very busy after last night's raid on the 7-11. We lost many of our best to martyrdom. The staff is hoping we can all cooperate and hold off on the diarrhea treatments for a little longer. The medical personnel is really swamped right now, everyone.
(groans)
(wet, spicy farts)
I know, I know...Just keep air drying a little while longer. Perhaps Allah will send some more of those soft wipey-things.
Monkey Bar safety is getting way out of control, guys. Once again, we're having problems with everyone climbing on at the same time where it is weakest. We don't get the proper training if everyone's feet are touching the ground, guys! Also, Muhammad was hurt yesterday when he dismounted. We don't want to put the helmet rule back in effect. I think I speak for everyone when I say we look rediculous wearing those things on the Monkey Bars, so let's all be a little more careful, mmkay?.
Hussein Obama is still leading in the polls! Allah be praised! Just a reminder to send your donations to the Chicago address.
(slow clap)
Kamal, are you trying to be funny? Because it's not, mmkay? Guess who's rigging up the martydom vests for next week's attack? Comedian Kamal, that's who! Barack Hussien Obama is change that we can believe in!
All right, that's it everyone. Who's gonna lead us in prayer today? Farazz? You're looking quite chipper today, how about you?
(whistling sound from overhead)

The fuck?
(J-DAM destroys camp)